But I Love You Anyway
The most difficult lessons we may ever learn, in this life, are the ones that break our hearts. I have personally endured such lessons. I have disappointed people; I have lost people that I love. I, like everyone else, have endured immeasurable grief.
When we grieve the death of a loved one, or the death of a relationship; we are not grieving for the one who we lost. We are grieving for ourselves. We are angry, hurt, disappointed and often infuriated; by the fact that; we are left to carry on. We must find a way to keep going; even when our hearts are on fire, with sorrow.
Someone I love once told me that when my sister died…it didn’t happen to me. She said that it affected me; and my sorrow was really over the fact that I had to find a way to move on. I didn’t want to believe her; and the fact that she was/is someone who I know wouldn’t hurt me, intentionally; I took the time to listen to her. I was angered by what she said. Of course it happened to me, MY sister died. It was at that point, when she stopped me. She said, “Say that again”. I repeated it was MY sister that died. The point I was trying to emphasize is that she was my sister, not hers; and how dare she say it didn’t happen to me? She said again in the softest voice…she died…you didn’t.
Tears started streaming out of my face; seemingly out of nowhere, I saw her point. I had to find the strength to move on; I was left alone to survive. The mere thought of that idea; to this day, makes me cry. I had to decide to move on; I had to decide…every day… to breathe in and out. I found this knowledge disturbing and it hurt. Not that I didn’t want to live; I’m not suicidal. But I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a part of a world where my sister, my best friend…no longer breathed. I felt abandoned…I felt isolated and I was angry.
I felt justified in my anger; no one knew what it was like to love my sister, the way I did. I found a million ways to look at this situation; so that no one could effectively say…I know how you feel. I slowly realized; I created the isolation. People wanted to care; simply because they loved me…and I was hurting.
Anger is a funny thing; it can feel so good. Anger can burn longer than any candle you ever light, if we allow it to. Anger can fuel any negative fire that we may come into contact with. Anger will also destroy us.
Anger will keep us from forgiving others and it will keep us from being forgiven. Remember what I said in the beginning…everything is a lesson.
When we hold on to anger…we are only hurting ourselves. We are blocking our blessings; even when it isn’t our intention.
Sometimes I still get angry; when I think about my sister. I will get angry at the mere thought of her leaving me. I have even had conversations about it, with her.
But thankfully, I have a most gracious Creator. Even in moments when I feel like I deserve nothing; my Creator shines light on me and says, “But I love you anyway”.
We are surrounded by beauty and love; it can be found in everyone and everything.
People may say that is just hippy talk; how is a dandelion beauty and love…it is a weed!!
I love these moments. I smile and say, hold out your hands. When empty hands are held out; I will say…using only what is in your hands…make that weed.
The beauty and love, even in a dandelion, is the fact that it was created from Greatness. We were all created from Greatness; made to love one another. And when a life cycle ends, on earth, the memories we created with that person…has the miracle of eternal life.
There are people on the planet, who were not privileged enough to know my sister. I was blessed by her existence and her memories live through me. People are touched by her; through my writing or speech or actions. Her life truly is eternal.
My life was forever changed the day that my sister died. I miss her…every day of my life. There is a void that her death has given me; and I would be lying if I denied that. But it was her time to go Home; and while I don’t think she would have chosen it; she earned it. I know she watches over me now; and I’ m sure she is shaking her head, at times. But the true blessing, is knowing that no matter what I do; which she might not agree with…she will always meet me with an, “But I love you anyway”.
And don’t we all deserve those moments?
I am sorry for the loss of your sister as the loss of a loved changes our world forever. My eyes where misty when I read your poignant post because just a few minutes prior to reading I was in the kitchen and the thought came to me, “if my sister passes away, I don’t know if I can handle this.” No that she is sick, it’s just that she is the only sibling I have left. I realize that I need to stay spiritually strong in life. Blessings to you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on this piece. My sisters death was sudden and unexpected…I don’t really think anyone can prepare for this kind of loss. All that I can possibly offer anyone is the knowledge that we must live each moment as if its our last…say I love you always
I wish you much peace
Thank you for this deep post. This past week has, I believe, been very hard for many. I know the losses in my life have resurfaced. Some of the optimism I nurture dissipated. Our family has worked harder to be resources for good in the world. I finally decided that something cherished and dear died last week, and I might as well grieve.
Hi Michael,
Grief is a natural process and I understand that it comes in stages…alothough I am pretty sure my stages all happend immediately. I miss my sister terribly…and the grief never really leaves me. But I do have moments where I can think of that million dollar smaile she had…and a smile will find me as well.
I wish you much love and peace in the days ahead.