A letter to my husband Akir:

 

My dearest, my love, my life,

Sometimes we take those we hold the closest for granted. I don’t think it is something that anyone intends to do; certainly nothing that I would ever intentionally do. But all too often, we take precious moments with those we love the most and feel that we may have time to express this or that; and often that is a false sense of security. Time is a fallacy. The true measure of time is not held in minutes…but in moments. And often, we spend so many moments complaining about time…that the sands in our hour glass slip away. Tomorrow is not promised, as we have been shown…in the most painful ways.

I want to not allow another moment to go by with that thought in my mind.

I can remember the morning that I received the phone call about my sister; the first phone call saying that she wasn’t breathing. I jumped out of bed…knowing I had to go to her. I remember breathing heavily as I told you that I had to go to New York. It seemed like hours later, but in reality it was only about five minutes, before I would receive the second phone call stating that she was gone. You spoke cautiously, barely above a whisper…”are you okay?” I said the only thing that I knew to say…”I don’t know what ‘okay’ is anymore”. It still brings a lump to my throat when I think of those moments. The only thing that I could compare that moment to …was another monumental day. When the first plane hit the Twin Towers…I remember just absorbing what the news had told us; and then the second plane it. The breath was knocked out of a nation…and that was the same emotion that the second phone call had on me. I was blindsided. No one is ever really prepared for that moment.

When she died, I was left with a large gaping hole in my heart. How does a person find the strength to go on, when the one constant love in their life has been taken away? I felt like a large balloon that someone had poked a small hole in. Every day I felt my life slipping away. I cried more often than I even allowed you to know. I was drowning in memories and the thought that she and I would create no more.

You saved me. You listened and held me close to your heart. You made how I grieved okay. You made my heart ache less…because you never told me NOT to talk about her. Slowly, I began to live again. You made everything that I felt and thought…okay. You breathed love back into my badly battered heart. There is no way to repay that gift. And if you or I were to ever keep score of who did what for whom…you won the game that day.

These moments cannot be expressed and acknowledged enough. While it would probably be enough that you encouraged me to write about her; your love took you many steps further. You helped me find my smile and it hasn’t left me since.

I live with an illness that attempts to kill my body every day. I live with the fact that Lupus uses other health conditions to try and slow me down. I suffer with Sjogrens and I have had multiple strokes…due to how seriously Lupus tends to lead an attack on my body. And every single day you remind me that I am blessed. You encourage my spirit…and because you show up every day…I refuse to quit fighting. While I may receive kudos and pats on the back for being strong enough to endure Lupus, Cancer and Strokes…you are my unsung hero. You simply allow my heart to melt into yours…and the stars seem to shine more brightly again.

I think the thing that people always tend to forget is that without darkness…we would never know the light. We cannot measure good…unless we have experienced evil. We have to have a measure…by which to compare these precious moments. There are some obstacles that we are simply destined to overcome. If I hadn’t known darkness…I would have never have known the light…of your love. I am truly blessed.

There simply are no words that have ever been written or murmured that could ever express all that you are to me; but I will gladly search the rest of my life looking for them. You give me something to look up to. You make me want to be a better person.

Some may look at you and see a beautiful man; and while I cannot disagree…I see more. For when I look at you…I see God. A Creator who loved me so much; that my heart was given a “forever home”.

So while these thoughts may not find the words to tell you often enough…I thank you.

Thank you for being you…and for loving me without restrictions.

I love you…for more reasons than can be counted in a lifetime.

Thank you for the gift of this love…my husband…my friend…my partner…my life

 

All my love…forever…

Me

 

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