Category: Grief


Less


After my sister passed away
I had to deal with more pain
Than I had ever known
Not physical pain…I had become accustomed to that
But REAL heart break
And almost like a 6 year old
I decided I had dealt with enough…
And i just wasn’t equipped enough
Not strong enough
It was too hard
I literally threw a temper tantrum in my mind
But the thing was…
Whether I was ready or not
Whether it made me sad or not
It was here…
I had no choice
I remember talking to her around New Years Eve…
As I often do…since she passed
Telling her….I hate this
I wanted to see her
To touch her face…
And she said to me…while laughing
Have you ever loved anyone that you couldn’t touch?
Of course…everyone has
She said….do u love them less?
Of course not…but this isn’t the same
I want to be able to see you…
She reminded me that the kind of love we have now
Is the first kind of love we ever felt
Its unconditional…
It is not determined by man
Nor his/her physical needs
She said it will always be here for you
You can never undo it
No matter what choices you make…
I will always have my hands on your shoulders
She reminded me of the way I loved most people I know
And this was it…
Completely…without expectation…
I am thankful for those moments…
It reminded me of where i am supposed to be
Not for others…
But for my ancestors…
Love without expectation…
And you will never be disappointed
I miss you Melissa …
But I am not capable of loving you less….

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You Are Never Alone


Love-Hearts-hd-wallpapers-7
Grief is a difficult cycle of life
We will be told that we are sorry for our loss
But really what we lost is just the control of
Our own emotions
Its a transformation of love change
It makes us sad
Because we have forgotten
This is the first type of love ever given to us
Divine love
Love without barriers
Without bars or windows
As humans we may try and facilitate
Physical love…
And that confuses our higher selves
Because our souls realize
That physical love is limiting
It causes us to forget that smells and sounds
Colors and a gentle breeze
Made us smile as infants
Not because we could wrap our tiny fingers around it
But because we understood, at that time
What it was like to be loved from within
For so many of our friends and family members
I wish I could stop the aching in your hearts
I know it too well
And I hope one day you will be able to receive
What I am trying to give to you
Because all the love you were given…
No matter how short their stay here…
Was a seed that they planted
Something that will always connect you
And one day when you are desperately seeking an answer
And one shows up…
Without explanation…
Just know that it was your loved one(s)
Giving you a moment of relief
Love never leaves you
In fact…
From this point forward it can only grow
Just know that you are being watched
From a place that you have been before
But have forgotten
Love knows no boundaries…
And you will never be alone

I’m Not Strong Enough


 

Tromso.-Photo-credits-Bard-Loken-Innovatioin-Norway

In about 3 weeks, on January 4th…
It will be 5 years since my sister left this place.
It always leaves me feeling like she JUST left
Over and over again
And during times when I swear I just want to give up
And believe me there are plenty of those…
I remember having a conversation with her once…
Telling me that I should never make apologies for who or what I am
Never let anyone else’s ideas of who you should be…
Taint who you know that you are
For most people the holidays can be happy times
And for some it is sad and depressing…
For me…
Getting past the holiday season is greeted with the fact
That 5 years ago…just after all the decorations and celebrations were over
That cold early morning call came in to me
Jen, mom won’t wake up
I don’t think she is breathing,,,
There is NOTHING…
NOTHING…
That can prepare you for THAT kind of heartache
She was strong…
The most beautiful kind of strong
And while I, often, quite desperately
Try to recall our millions of conversations
There is only one that tends to stand out…
When I was very ill…
Just waking from a coma
She came to see me…
She grabbed my hand and smiled
Her blue eyes sparkling…
I knew you would be okay
How could you have known that?
I am not strong enough to live without you
God will have to take me first…
And so it was…
Please make the most of your moments
Those that you are certain will be here no matter what
Won’t
Those phone calls you have put off until tomorrow
Those visits to the family that KNOW U LOVE THEM
Make those calls and visits…
There is nothing worse than
A life filled with regret and sorrow
So during this holiday…
Hold your loved ones close
I love you all

Some Days


Some days are harder than others
Some days the guilt of my existence
Is just overwhelming
Some days I think of her and smile
I imagine those blue eyes
Laughing when people have warred against me
Sometimes I can still see that blonde hair
Making me envious…lol
Sometimes I still smell her perfume
Some days I can still hear her words ringing in my ears
“I’m not strong enough to live without you…so God will have to take me first ”
Sometimes…I get so angry
At her self prophetic demise
She only had one fear
“I’m afraid one day I will fall asleep and never wake up ”
And one day…
She didn’t
And now all I can do
Is hope when she looks down on me
She is proud…
Of the woman I have become
Of the choices I have made
But I swear…
Missing her…
Is more painful
Than Lupus or Cancer
Bc I have survived those
But everyday
I get up
And I thank her
By living
By trying
By loving…all people
Bc sometimes…
Everyone needs that
I know I do

1500 Days


1500 Days

 

1500 days ago I experienced my FIRST REAL heartbreak.

1500 days ago was the first time I had noticed this emptiness in my heart.

1500 days ago was the last time her phone would call my house.

1500 days ago all our plans for the future, together, vanished.

1500 days ago…I started crying.

And all of these are true. But also:

1500 days ago I became thankful for just having known her.

1500 days ago I felt the need to share her with the world.

1500 days ago my moments with her became memories.

1500 days ago…life became more precious than silver or gold.

1500 days ago I learned how strong I REALLY am.

You see, 1500 days ago, she left this place. It was unexpected…but soon became reality.

And while the tears will still find me and often catch me off guard; I know she suffers no more.

I know that she is safe and no one can ever again cause her harm.

1500 days ago I became humbled…at how very fragile life can be.

And while I miss my sister, like nothing I have ever experienced, I know her love lifts me up.

I know she is watching over me and my family…smiling.

And sometimes when a tear rolls down my cheek unexpectedly…I swear I can feel her hand wipe it away.

So on this 1500th day…I celebrate life, love and an amazing woman.

So 1500 days later, she still makes me smile…when I think of her.

And my gift to you, on this 1500th day…embrace life.

Take no moment for granted.

Say, YES I CAN.

Then DO.

Take advantage of every opportunity you have in this life, to create a chain of hope.

Link with people…who may have given up.

Shine your light all over humanity.

Love everyone…especially YOURSELF.

You have to be strong…the world will test you.

And while I wouldn’t wish my 1500th day on ANYONE…

I made it…I am still here.

We have work to do…

For even on my 1500th day…

I love you still!


We Are Ferguson

 

Some pain cannot be hidden, I have put off writing about the Ferguson, Missouri teen, Michael Brown…as long as I possible could.

Some pain is inevitable. I watched the video of the mothers of shooting victims: Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, and Sean Bell. I have written numerous times about Trayvon Martin and his assailant George Zimmerman. I have expressed my sadness and disappointment in the outcome of the Zimmerman trial. I have even written to George Zimmerman personally, in my blog.

I watched as these strong women flexed their heart muscles toward one another. I could feel the pain they are dealing with, deeply. I know, as was said by one of them, the pain never leaves you. I can understand how that would be true. These strong women are a reigning example to all of us. They reached out to one another, not because they weren’t still in pain…but because they understood the feeling of isolation that losing a child can bring. The compassion they showed was about women…just being moms. Remembering the days when their children were laughing and smiling; lighter times where such tragedies weren’t even in the back of their minds. I admire the love and unity they gave to one another.

As a mother myself, I feel deeply hurt by the death of Michael brown. I am hurt by anyone that would think, say or believe that his murder was okay. Because you see, for me, he was a child. He had a home. He had a family. He had a life separate from what we will hear about in the media. He had a unique smile and contagious laughter…even if his mom was the only one that experienced it. He is a part of humanity…and he always will be.

His death wasn’t unfortunate…for that term tends to lean toward the base word “luck”. Michael Brown was gunned down…and his assailant Darren Wilson will have to live with that fact. We may never know what the day held for Michael Brown or Darren Wilson, before they met that day. Maybe they were confronted by death already. Perhaps someone had harassed or bullied them. Perhaps they had taken all they could stand that day. Possibly, all the patience they could muster had been spent elsewhere. We may never know the truth about the events leading up to the tragic death of this angel.

But from this I can tell you two things:

Michael Brown was gunned down needlessly. And while he may be a statistic that we refer to…he is so much more. I hope that when we think of him; we remember his face. For those that were fortunate enough to have spoken to him…remember his voice and how his eyes sparkled when he laughed. Remember all the greater things about him; do not let the way he left this place be the only conversation about him. He had a soul and he touched all those who walked with him…he even touched those that walked past him. I pray that his family finds some peace. I hope that we, as a nation, can look on this angel lovingly…with respect to his memory.

The other thing I know is this:

Like George Zimmerman, Darren Wilson must learn how to live with the consequences of his actions. His family will have to learn how to move forward…for not unlike Zimmerman, Officer Darren Wilson will forever be known as the cop that shot that kid six times….dead. This will not be an easy process…it is not intended to be. I pray that Darren Wilson is also able to come to grips with the reality of his actions. It is my hope that we start setting more strict guidelines for our law enforcement officers. We are losing too many of our young black men and something must change.

As a mother, I can tell you that it wouldn’t matter to me if my child had been killed by a police officer, or a trash collector. A white man or an Asian woman. It would only matter that I have one less place to set for dinner.

There is probably nothing as strong as a mothers love for a child; I hope one day we can all learn to love in that way…intentionally. Let us not look at what happened in Ferguson as an incident…it is a pandemic.

This did not happen to a small town in Missouri…it happened to all of us; and it continues to happened all over the world. This is not a matter of them and us…no matter how the media portrays it. We must see ourselves through the eyes of our children, because they do not see race or religion. They do not see sex or money. Children only see each other for exactly who they are….which is why they smile and laugh all of the time.

We are not better; we are not worse…

We are Ferguson.

Memories To Keep


robin-williams

Memories To Keep

You made us laugh

Until we cried

Now we are left

To wonder why

Was it too much

This world of pain

As we ponder

Tears again

Sometimes the darkness

Can be so dooming

Leave us feeling alone

Don’t know what we are doing

Whatever the reason

You were brought to this end

We love and we thank you

You were like a long lost friend

I beg you all at this moment

Ask and get involved

Depression kills

Mystery solved

No place is safe

No person more susceptible

This illness is blinding

To all those we know

Rest in paradise

Our very funny friend

You kept us laughing

Until the very end

I wish we would have known

The smile masking the pain

Perhaps tomorrow

We would’ve seen you again

Life is too short

Love your loved ones deep

Before we are just left

With memories to keep

                                                ~LM Young

RIP Robin Williams…thanks for the memories

For The Love of Avonte


 

 

avonteFor The Love of Avonte

I learned about this beautiful child named Avonte Oquendo, shortly after he went missing. I had never met his mother or family, but this child touched my heart. When I saw his picture, his eyes spoke to my soul. I reached out to people about him; no one who knows me would ever be able to say…I didn’t know she felt that way. I was very vocal about him. When I learned of his death, it made my heart heavy.

I had someone very close to me, who had autism. He had many difficulties living, in “the real world”. Much like Avonte, he had eyes that spoke to your soul. You couldn’t help but to love him. His life was also cut short.

I cannot imagine the sheer hell that these mothers must have gone through. Not only because of losing a child, but how their lives had been molded around the protection and nurturing of these children. What are they to do now?

We are at an advantage, we can turn off the news. But when I searched Avonte’s name, I found no known cause of death and no article written past January. While we can just move along…as the world keeps on spinning; Avonte’s mom must try and make sense out of this.

My prayers are with her. If I could tell her anything I would say; I saw the light in his eyes too. I saw the wonder and love that you bathed him in, every day of his life. And even though he was unable to verbally communicate; your heart connected with his. I believe whole-heartedly that the love you instilled within him…remained with him throughout his stay with us here. And while I am certain that this may not ease your pain right now…I pray that your journey through this grief…is built on the grace and mercy of a most loving Creator.

I am saddened when I think of how brief Avonte’s life was…but my heart cannot help but to shine…knowing that angels are singing more loudly and Heaven became a much brighter place…all for the love of Avonte.

The Illusion


The Illusion

 

Often, I think we can take our loved ones for granted. We may even feel or think that we were “due” these relationships. While I cannot imagine what we could do to deserve or earn these crowned accomplishments…it does appear to be the case, even if only in the minds of a select few.

We were gifted moments with our loved ones. We can often become so comfortable with what we appear to have with them, that we forget that these moments were never “given” and were never intended to be permanent. Intentionally or not, we develop a sense of entitlement and this becomes dangerous.

People are not possessions and while we may love them in a very human way; human love comes with stipulations, quite often. Human love is relationship oriented. “I will love you, as long as you don’t…” It is companionship love and can also be a beautiful thing. Anytime we try to grasp something and hold onto it in that way; like most caged birds…it will long to fly away.

When the moments we were gifted become grief…life can begin to look glum. We may become angry and become withdrawn. While this happens often, it is important to try and understand that: Those moments, which have now evolved into memories, are still gifts. You see the fact that the people attached to those moments were ever within our grasp…is a fallacy. Those people, our loved ones who have passed, never belonged to us. They willfully stayed in our lives, for whatever period of time or space. They chose to be a part of our millions and millions of moments, while we are visiting this place.

While we may grow sad or angry that we cannot make more moments with their physical presence; do not allow that bitterness to cause you to turn away from life and the love that is still here for you. The moments that we have been gifted are intended to create a foundation for other relationships. I am often reminded of the very loving nature of our Creator; when I am provided the opportunity to look back at the memories that I have been gifted in my life. As humans, we can become very selfish and want those times, events, relationships to stay just as they are; but just as the world keeps moving…so must we.

We must absorb the love, kindness and joy of these moments and memorialize them in our hearts. And on days when the world seems particularly harsh…we will find that smile from our memory. The smile that we may have taken for granted, years and years ago. And the memory of that archived smile…will lay the foundation for a new smile.

In this way, the people that we grieve…never really leave us. Recently my father in law passed away, and right around the time which he either had just passed or was getting ready to do so…the radio in his van came on while my husband was driving. It didn’t just come on…but it blared so loudly that it shook our insides. Try as he may, my husband was unable to turn that radio down or off…until all of a sudden it turned off all by itself. Now we were told that the radio never worked in the van, but we both experienced it. In our hearts, we know that he was letting us know that we were going to be alright and that he had gone home. We could have made that experience negative, but even after we had learned that he had passed on…the thought of that moment made us smile.

What does all of this mean? It doesn’t mean that we should not miss them or that we shouldn’t grieve. It means that we should appreciate and embrace every moment of every day. I would not wish upon any one the hurt that regret tends to bring. Go to sleep every night with the knowledge that you made the most out of each day; and awake with the thought that today will be better than yesterday. More importantly, do not dwell on all that yesterday wasn’t, or you will bring that same energy into this day.

People that we love will, at one time or another, be called home. Do not allow that knowledge to keep you from opening your heart to that kind of love. When we shield our hearts from pain; we inadvertently shield love from our lives, as well. The most beautiful times in my family occurs when I am sharing the conversations that I had with my grandmother, as a child. It makes my heart feel warm and brilliant. I not only remember her stories and songs, but I can feel her all around me…and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

There are no guarantees in this life. We were only sent here to realize our purpose and to fulfill it. So while we are here…touch as many hearts as you can.

Exhibit what is called Divine Love.

In this, Divine Love is defined as…that without definition. It cannot be contained or denied. Divine love has no opposition…it simply is. Divine love is what our Creator, gives us. There is nothing to compare it to; it is inclusive of all things…which is where we get the idea of “Allness”. Love all day every day…it takes nothing away from you and your rewards are boundless.

If you exhibit Divine Love in all things…regret cannot exist.

And do not be troubled with the idea of hate…hate is bred out of fear. Even fear can be lessened out of existence…when it is surrounded by love and patience.

We must allow ourselves to let go of the things we are not sure of…similar to letting go of the side of the pool, when we are unsure if we trust ourselves enough to swim toward the center. The water that surrounds us is Divine Love…and if you KNOW TRUE love…you will understand that it never varies. Divine Love never wavers, it is constant and consistent. You are never alone, for you are a part of ALL.

When we allow ourselves to open our hearts to this kind of love…we understand that loss…is an illusion.

 

To Lose


To Lose

If I knew it would be the last time

I said get to say a word to you

Would have screamed a million I love you’s

Instead of assuming that you knew

If I had just a second

To redo all our memories

We would run barefoot in the grass

Just you…and me

If I knew the phone would stop ringing

If I knew the calling would stop

I swear I’d answer every single time

I couldn’t hear you enough

If I could replay our times together

So it would never have to end

I would start our record over

To be played over and over again

If I knew God was going to call you

On that one specific day

I would have worked so much less

Made more time to play

But I know it was your time

It feels like you are near

My forever safe place

Keeping me safe whilst I’m here

So when you talk to God today

Send him my deepest gratitude

For I now realize a LOSS

Doesn’t mean we have to lose

                        ~LM Young

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