Category: Grief


Fly


Last night, we were talking with Marsha about the development of the butterfly.

This had me thinking about how, the cycle of life is exactly like the butterfly,

Just as Marsha had suggested.

But with humans…the caterpillar stage is what happens in childhood

The larva stage is when we…fall asleep.

Not an over night rest…

But when we stop connecting and stop learning

We become bored and unchallenged.

We stop talking about our dreams

And eventually we just stop having them.

We fall off into a deep slumber.

Understand that rest is the only way the body can recharge and heal.

Rest is a necessity; so we are talking about numbing ourselves to life…

Where we never have to feel any extreme emotions.

Often, we raise our families, in that slumber…

What does that teach our kids?

How to effectively avoid, deflect, ignore and give up on life.

Generally, we will stay in this stage forever…

However, some larva beside us…are waking up…

The waking up period is as beautiful and painful as you can imagine.

It’s literally re-birth

Imagine that dark, warm, wet tunnel…

Suddenly there are unexplainable

Sounds

Light

And Freezing Cold

This is very similar,

In that when we are waking…we have to first get that

Everything we ever thought was probably a lie of some proportion

But now is not the time for blame…

Casting shadows or putting the blame on others…

Only takes away from where we should be.

We have to research and re-learn

We have to attempt to absorb the information

Setting aside any heavy tones that may have grown there…

For the understanding of the Greater Good.

I think, quite possibly, that this cycle of life

Is meant to teach us how to reconnect to ALL…

Nature and wildlife are calling to us

We feel more pulled towards crystals and natural healing

Service has become a way of life…for many.

And until we learn the lesson this cycle is sent to teach us

We will constantly experience the same energy in other people places and ideas.

Once we have elevated from this place…

First let us say…

Congratulations!!

We know it wasn’t easy

When we begin taking flight, spiritually

You will always know…

Things will come out of nowhere

And that was the case this past week…

In a period of a few days

We were remembering one of our own…

When illness hit the tribe…

And when one of our Matriarchs crossed over…

Those were power punches

Painful…

But yet beautiful…

Because I have the insight to know

That life is always showing us rainbows

But it can be difficult to see them

If we are still angry about the storm that brought it

All lessons, even grief, are necessary

Our bodies are very temporary

They become weak and can no longer carry the energy of our spirit

So we know that what is called death…

Is just a continuation of another life cycle

And the only reason it is painful…

Is because we have begun to attach ourselves to the existence of others

Instead of bonding with people…

We are possessing them

Even using possessiveness as a scale

To determine how much we are loved and appreciated.

As beings, our thought process can be quite defeating

In a “putting the cart ahead of the horse”…kind of way

For instance, we spend huge amounts of time ignoring those in our lives

Just to mourn for them so deeply after they have passed

And remembering them through stories and pictures…

And while this is a beautiful sight…

How much more beautiful would this have been…

Had this much care and concern been given while they were breathing.

#NoJudgmentJustLove

Once we can begin to recognize that love is not romantic gas

That we can spray to find our happily ever after…

Then we can come to the realization that love

Is not a Valentines Day Card

Red Roses

A box of chocolates

Or any other such occasion…

No…

Love is energy…

Like our Chakras

Love energy…similar to electric energy

Must move back and forth

Love is not possession

It won’t make him/her yours…

Love is patience, with kindness

Love is compassion, with humility

Love is empathy , and balance.

All this seems like a lot…it is

But…like  the majestic Butterfly

We are also equipped to withstand the growth through evolution…

Don’t be afraid any longer

#YouAreNotAlone

Stretch out your wings…

Fly…

 

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Do It Anyway


Grief is a funny thing
BC the same thing that made you smile 15 minutes ago
Will have you in tears
But eventually the grief becomes
One of the deepest spiritual connections that one can have
I really do miss spending time with Liss
This is a new kind of love for me
BC even though I mourned the passing of 4 grandparents
I had never experienced death
With anyone That I have loved this much
I just didn’t want to do it
I wanted to kick and scream
Curse and stomp…
But no matter what I did
She didn’t come back…
The Universe has such a way
Of telling us that it CLEARLY is not about US lol
We call that Humility
I constantly am plagued with mixed emotions about her
I get angry at her for leaving me
But I understand it was her time
And that has to be good enough
I have to know that I loved her enough
That when she left…she felt me within her
And I know it wasn’t easy for her to go
But I have to tell you…
I always feel her with me
Sometimes I see her smile in a stranger
Or someone will pass with her beautiful blue eyes
Or a scent will capture my attention…
Simply bc I have smelled it on her before
So don’t confuse my talk about her
With unresolved Grief…
I feel her energy every where
And just as she did in life…
She is still watching out for me…
Hold the ppl in your lives today
Give them a deep meaningful embrace…
Some people won’t look like they need
That transfer of energy…
Do it anyway…
Sometimes we don’t realize how broken we are
Until someone tries to pour love in to us

Enjoy your week
I Love You

Less


After my sister passed away
I had to deal with more pain
Than I had ever known
Not physical pain…I had become accustomed to that
But REAL heart break
And almost like a 6 year old
I decided I had dealt with enough…
And i just wasn’t equipped enough
Not strong enough
It was too hard
I literally threw a temper tantrum in my mind
But the thing was…
Whether I was ready or not
Whether it made me sad or not
It was here…
I had no choice
I remember talking to her around New Years Eve…
As I often do…since she passed
Telling her….I hate this
I wanted to see her
To touch her face…
And she said to me…while laughing
Have you ever loved anyone that you couldn’t touch?
Of course…everyone has
She said….do u love them less?
Of course not…but this isn’t the same
I want to be able to see you…
She reminded me that the kind of love we have now
Is the first kind of love we ever felt
Its unconditional…
It is not determined by man
Nor his/her physical needs
She said it will always be here for you
You can never undo it
No matter what choices you make…
I will always have my hands on your shoulders
She reminded me of the way I loved most people I know
And this was it…
Completely…without expectation…
I am thankful for those moments…
It reminded me of where i am supposed to be
Not for others…
But for my ancestors…
Love without expectation…
And you will never be disappointed
I miss you Melissa …
But I am not capable of loving you less….

You Are Never Alone


Love-Hearts-hd-wallpapers-7
Grief is a difficult cycle of life
We will be told that we are sorry for our loss
But really what we lost is just the control of
Our own emotions
Its a transformation of love change
It makes us sad
Because we have forgotten
This is the first type of love ever given to us
Divine love
Love without barriers
Without bars or windows
As humans we may try and facilitate
Physical love…
And that confuses our higher selves
Because our souls realize
That physical love is limiting
It causes us to forget that smells and sounds
Colors and a gentle breeze
Made us smile as infants
Not because we could wrap our tiny fingers around it
But because we understood, at that time
What it was like to be loved from within
For so many of our friends and family members
I wish I could stop the aching in your hearts
I know it too well
And I hope one day you will be able to receive
What I am trying to give to you
Because all the love you were given…
No matter how short their stay here…
Was a seed that they planted
Something that will always connect you
And one day when you are desperately seeking an answer
And one shows up…
Without explanation…
Just know that it was your loved one(s)
Giving you a moment of relief
Love never leaves you
In fact…
From this point forward it can only grow
Just know that you are being watched
From a place that you have been before
But have forgotten
Love knows no boundaries…
And you will never be alone

I’m Not Strong Enough


 

Tromso.-Photo-credits-Bard-Loken-Innovatioin-Norway

In about 3 weeks, on January 4th…
It will be 5 years since my sister left this place.
It always leaves me feeling like she JUST left
Over and over again
And during times when I swear I just want to give up
And believe me there are plenty of those…
I remember having a conversation with her once…
Telling me that I should never make apologies for who or what I am
Never let anyone else’s ideas of who you should be…
Taint who you know that you are
For most people the holidays can be happy times
And for some it is sad and depressing…
For me…
Getting past the holiday season is greeted with the fact
That 5 years ago…just after all the decorations and celebrations were over
That cold early morning call came in to me
Jen, mom won’t wake up
I don’t think she is breathing,,,
There is NOTHING…
NOTHING…
That can prepare you for THAT kind of heartache
She was strong…
The most beautiful kind of strong
And while I, often, quite desperately
Try to recall our millions of conversations
There is only one that tends to stand out…
When I was very ill…
Just waking from a coma
She came to see me…
She grabbed my hand and smiled
Her blue eyes sparkling…
I knew you would be okay
How could you have known that?
I am not strong enough to live without you
God will have to take me first…
And so it was…
Please make the most of your moments
Those that you are certain will be here no matter what
Won’t
Those phone calls you have put off until tomorrow
Those visits to the family that KNOW U LOVE THEM
Make those calls and visits…
There is nothing worse than
A life filled with regret and sorrow
So during this holiday…
Hold your loved ones close
I love you all

Some Days


Some days are harder than others
Some days the guilt of my existence
Is just overwhelming
Some days I think of her and smile
I imagine those blue eyes
Laughing when people have warred against me
Sometimes I can still see that blonde hair
Making me envious…lol
Sometimes I still smell her perfume
Some days I can still hear her words ringing in my ears
“I’m not strong enough to live without you…so God will have to take me first ”
Sometimes…I get so angry
At her self prophetic demise
She only had one fear
“I’m afraid one day I will fall asleep and never wake up ”
And one day…
She didn’t
And now all I can do
Is hope when she looks down on me
She is proud…
Of the woman I have become
Of the choices I have made
But I swear…
Missing her…
Is more painful
Than Lupus or Cancer
Bc I have survived those
But everyday
I get up
And I thank her
By living
By trying
By loving…all people
Bc sometimes…
Everyone needs that
I know I do

1500 Days


1500 Days

 

1500 days ago I experienced my FIRST REAL heartbreak.

1500 days ago was the first time I had noticed this emptiness in my heart.

1500 days ago was the last time her phone would call my house.

1500 days ago all our plans for the future, together, vanished.

1500 days ago…I started crying.

And all of these are true. But also:

1500 days ago I became thankful for just having known her.

1500 days ago I felt the need to share her with the world.

1500 days ago my moments with her became memories.

1500 days ago…life became more precious than silver or gold.

1500 days ago I learned how strong I REALLY am.

You see, 1500 days ago, she left this place. It was unexpected…but soon became reality.

And while the tears will still find me and often catch me off guard; I know she suffers no more.

I know that she is safe and no one can ever again cause her harm.

1500 days ago I became humbled…at how very fragile life can be.

And while I miss my sister, like nothing I have ever experienced, I know her love lifts me up.

I know she is watching over me and my family…smiling.

And sometimes when a tear rolls down my cheek unexpectedly…I swear I can feel her hand wipe it away.

So on this 1500th day…I celebrate life, love and an amazing woman.

So 1500 days later, she still makes me smile…when I think of her.

And my gift to you, on this 1500th day…embrace life.

Take no moment for granted.

Say, YES I CAN.

Then DO.

Take advantage of every opportunity you have in this life, to create a chain of hope.

Link with people…who may have given up.

Shine your light all over humanity.

Love everyone…especially YOURSELF.

You have to be strong…the world will test you.

And while I wouldn’t wish my 1500th day on ANYONE…

I made it…I am still here.

We have work to do…

For even on my 1500th day…

I love you still!


We Are Ferguson

 

Some pain cannot be hidden, I have put off writing about the Ferguson, Missouri teen, Michael Brown…as long as I possible could.

Some pain is inevitable. I watched the video of the mothers of shooting victims: Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, and Sean Bell. I have written numerous times about Trayvon Martin and his assailant George Zimmerman. I have expressed my sadness and disappointment in the outcome of the Zimmerman trial. I have even written to George Zimmerman personally, in my blog.

I watched as these strong women flexed their heart muscles toward one another. I could feel the pain they are dealing with, deeply. I know, as was said by one of them, the pain never leaves you. I can understand how that would be true. These strong women are a reigning example to all of us. They reached out to one another, not because they weren’t still in pain…but because they understood the feeling of isolation that losing a child can bring. The compassion they showed was about women…just being moms. Remembering the days when their children were laughing and smiling; lighter times where such tragedies weren’t even in the back of their minds. I admire the love and unity they gave to one another.

As a mother myself, I feel deeply hurt by the death of Michael brown. I am hurt by anyone that would think, say or believe that his murder was okay. Because you see, for me, he was a child. He had a home. He had a family. He had a life separate from what we will hear about in the media. He had a unique smile and contagious laughter…even if his mom was the only one that experienced it. He is a part of humanity…and he always will be.

His death wasn’t unfortunate…for that term tends to lean toward the base word “luck”. Michael Brown was gunned down…and his assailant Darren Wilson will have to live with that fact. We may never know what the day held for Michael Brown or Darren Wilson, before they met that day. Maybe they were confronted by death already. Perhaps someone had harassed or bullied them. Perhaps they had taken all they could stand that day. Possibly, all the patience they could muster had been spent elsewhere. We may never know the truth about the events leading up to the tragic death of this angel.

But from this I can tell you two things:

Michael Brown was gunned down needlessly. And while he may be a statistic that we refer to…he is so much more. I hope that when we think of him; we remember his face. For those that were fortunate enough to have spoken to him…remember his voice and how his eyes sparkled when he laughed. Remember all the greater things about him; do not let the way he left this place be the only conversation about him. He had a soul and he touched all those who walked with him…he even touched those that walked past him. I pray that his family finds some peace. I hope that we, as a nation, can look on this angel lovingly…with respect to his memory.

The other thing I know is this:

Like George Zimmerman, Darren Wilson must learn how to live with the consequences of his actions. His family will have to learn how to move forward…for not unlike Zimmerman, Officer Darren Wilson will forever be known as the cop that shot that kid six times….dead. This will not be an easy process…it is not intended to be. I pray that Darren Wilson is also able to come to grips with the reality of his actions. It is my hope that we start setting more strict guidelines for our law enforcement officers. We are losing too many of our young black men and something must change.

As a mother, I can tell you that it wouldn’t matter to me if my child had been killed by a police officer, or a trash collector. A white man or an Asian woman. It would only matter that I have one less place to set for dinner.

There is probably nothing as strong as a mothers love for a child; I hope one day we can all learn to love in that way…intentionally. Let us not look at what happened in Ferguson as an incident…it is a pandemic.

This did not happen to a small town in Missouri…it happened to all of us; and it continues to happened all over the world. This is not a matter of them and us…no matter how the media portrays it. We must see ourselves through the eyes of our children, because they do not see race or religion. They do not see sex or money. Children only see each other for exactly who they are….which is why they smile and laugh all of the time.

We are not better; we are not worse…

We are Ferguson.

Memories To Keep


robin-williams

Memories To Keep

You made us laugh

Until we cried

Now we are left

To wonder why

Was it too much

This world of pain

As we ponder

Tears again

Sometimes the darkness

Can be so dooming

Leave us feeling alone

Don’t know what we are doing

Whatever the reason

You were brought to this end

We love and we thank you

You were like a long lost friend

I beg you all at this moment

Ask and get involved

Depression kills

Mystery solved

No place is safe

No person more susceptible

This illness is blinding

To all those we know

Rest in paradise

Our very funny friend

You kept us laughing

Until the very end

I wish we would have known

The smile masking the pain

Perhaps tomorrow

We would’ve seen you again

Life is too short

Love your loved ones deep

Before we are just left

With memories to keep

                                                ~LM Young

RIP Robin Williams…thanks for the memories

For The Love of Avonte


 

 

avonteFor The Love of Avonte

I learned about this beautiful child named Avonte Oquendo, shortly after he went missing. I had never met his mother or family, but this child touched my heart. When I saw his picture, his eyes spoke to my soul. I reached out to people about him; no one who knows me would ever be able to say…I didn’t know she felt that way. I was very vocal about him. When I learned of his death, it made my heart heavy.

I had someone very close to me, who had autism. He had many difficulties living, in “the real world”. Much like Avonte, he had eyes that spoke to your soul. You couldn’t help but to love him. His life was also cut short.

I cannot imagine the sheer hell that these mothers must have gone through. Not only because of losing a child, but how their lives had been molded around the protection and nurturing of these children. What are they to do now?

We are at an advantage, we can turn off the news. But when I searched Avonte’s name, I found no known cause of death and no article written past January. While we can just move along…as the world keeps on spinning; Avonte’s mom must try and make sense out of this.

My prayers are with her. If I could tell her anything I would say; I saw the light in his eyes too. I saw the wonder and love that you bathed him in, every day of his life. And even though he was unable to verbally communicate; your heart connected with his. I believe whole-heartedly that the love you instilled within him…remained with him throughout his stay with us here. And while I am certain that this may not ease your pain right now…I pray that your journey through this grief…is built on the grace and mercy of a most loving Creator.

I am saddened when I think of how brief Avonte’s life was…but my heart cannot help but to shine…knowing that angels are singing more loudly and Heaven became a much brighter place…all for the love of Avonte.

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