Category: Grief


The Illusion


The Illusion

 

Often, I think we can take our loved ones for granted. We may even feel or think that we were “due” these relationships. While I cannot imagine what we could do to deserve or earn these crowned accomplishments…it does appear to be the case, even if only in the minds of a select few.

We were gifted moments with our loved ones. We can often become so comfortable with what we appear to have with them, that we forget that these moments were never “given” and were never intended to be permanent. Intentionally or not, we develop a sense of entitlement and this becomes dangerous.

People are not possessions and while we may love them in a very human way; human love comes with stipulations, quite often. Human love is relationship oriented. “I will love you, as long as you don’t…” It is companionship love and can also be a beautiful thing. Anytime we try to grasp something and hold onto it in that way; like most caged birds…it will long to fly away.

When the moments we were gifted become grief…life can begin to look glum. We may become angry and become withdrawn. While this happens often, it is important to try and understand that: Those moments, which have now evolved into memories, are still gifts. You see the fact that the people attached to those moments were ever within our grasp…is a fallacy. Those people, our loved ones who have passed, never belonged to us. They willfully stayed in our lives, for whatever period of time or space. They chose to be a part of our millions and millions of moments, while we are visiting this place.

While we may grow sad or angry that we cannot make more moments with their physical presence; do not allow that bitterness to cause you to turn away from life and the love that is still here for you. The moments that we have been gifted are intended to create a foundation for other relationships. I am often reminded of the very loving nature of our Creator; when I am provided the opportunity to look back at the memories that I have been gifted in my life. As humans, we can become very selfish and want those times, events, relationships to stay just as they are; but just as the world keeps moving…so must we.

We must absorb the love, kindness and joy of these moments and memorialize them in our hearts. And on days when the world seems particularly harsh…we will find that smile from our memory. The smile that we may have taken for granted, years and years ago. And the memory of that archived smile…will lay the foundation for a new smile.

In this way, the people that we grieve…never really leave us. Recently my father in law passed away, and right around the time which he either had just passed or was getting ready to do so…the radio in his van came on while my husband was driving. It didn’t just come on…but it blared so loudly that it shook our insides. Try as he may, my husband was unable to turn that radio down or off…until all of a sudden it turned off all by itself. Now we were told that the radio never worked in the van, but we both experienced it. In our hearts, we know that he was letting us know that we were going to be alright and that he had gone home. We could have made that experience negative, but even after we had learned that he had passed on…the thought of that moment made us smile.

What does all of this mean? It doesn’t mean that we should not miss them or that we shouldn’t grieve. It means that we should appreciate and embrace every moment of every day. I would not wish upon any one the hurt that regret tends to bring. Go to sleep every night with the knowledge that you made the most out of each day; and awake with the thought that today will be better than yesterday. More importantly, do not dwell on all that yesterday wasn’t, or you will bring that same energy into this day.

People that we love will, at one time or another, be called home. Do not allow that knowledge to keep you from opening your heart to that kind of love. When we shield our hearts from pain; we inadvertently shield love from our lives, as well. The most beautiful times in my family occurs when I am sharing the conversations that I had with my grandmother, as a child. It makes my heart feel warm and brilliant. I not only remember her stories and songs, but I can feel her all around me…and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

There are no guarantees in this life. We were only sent here to realize our purpose and to fulfill it. So while we are here…touch as many hearts as you can.

Exhibit what is called Divine Love.

In this, Divine Love is defined as…that without definition. It cannot be contained or denied. Divine love has no opposition…it simply is. Divine love is what our Creator, gives us. There is nothing to compare it to; it is inclusive of all things…which is where we get the idea of “Allness”. Love all day every day…it takes nothing away from you and your rewards are boundless.

If you exhibit Divine Love in all things…regret cannot exist.

And do not be troubled with the idea of hate…hate is bred out of fear. Even fear can be lessened out of existence…when it is surrounded by love and patience.

We must allow ourselves to let go of the things we are not sure of…similar to letting go of the side of the pool, when we are unsure if we trust ourselves enough to swim toward the center. The water that surrounds us is Divine Love…and if you KNOW TRUE love…you will understand that it never varies. Divine Love never wavers, it is constant and consistent. You are never alone, for you are a part of ALL.

When we allow ourselves to open our hearts to this kind of love…we understand that loss…is an illusion.

 

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To Lose


To Lose

If I knew it would be the last time

I said get to say a word to you

Would have screamed a million I love you’s

Instead of assuming that you knew

If I had just a second

To redo all our memories

We would run barefoot in the grass

Just you…and me

If I knew the phone would stop ringing

If I knew the calling would stop

I swear I’d answer every single time

I couldn’t hear you enough

If I could replay our times together

So it would never have to end

I would start our record over

To be played over and over again

If I knew God was going to call you

On that one specific day

I would have worked so much less

Made more time to play

But I know it was your time

It feels like you are near

My forever safe place

Keeping me safe whilst I’m here

So when you talk to God today

Send him my deepest gratitude

For I now realize a LOSS

Doesn’t mean we have to lose

                        ~LM Young

What is Death


What is Death?

 

So I was thinking today…what does death mean to me?

This is important this time of year, because of the holidays that we have spent together. Anyone who has ever lost anyone due to death knows what I am talking about; we do not want to take special occasions that we spent, with those loved ones, and make them hurtful or negative to think about.

There had to be another way to think about this, I thought to myself. Holidays are physical dates; we can’t cry or scare them away with our inability to evolve our feelings into experiences. I noticed though, especially in myself, that was exactly what I wanted to do. What I noticed was, my sisters birthdate was still going to happen…whether my heart was ready for it or not. The holidays that we used to create beautiful memories…were still going to be holidays that come back around every year…even if I was angry that I was standing here…alone.

How do I make this better for myself, so I can make it more bearable for others that love me too?

Death became something different to me on January 4th. On that date death became my enemy; it was out to hurt me…and hurt I did.

I remembered thinking to myself, as I did as a child when traumatic things happened, what could I have possibly done to deserve this? This, of course was a very immature thought and my higher-self did not allow me to hold onto the direction this was going toward.

When I was reminded that this wasn’t about me; it brought back an image from TV or movies…where the actress was grabbed by the shoulders or smacked in the face…”SNAP OUT OF IT”!!

Okay, so I got that it wasn’t about me…but I felt the emptiness and blankness that this loss gave me.

I guess time was all I needed to make sense out of this. I loved my sister; and her death I felt was almost a welcome relief for her. She would no longer know pain or disappointment…and I could want no less for her and still claim to love her.

 

What does death mean to me? Death is our life “wake up” call. It reminds us how short our time on earth really is. How are we going to spend our last days and moments here? The last thing I would want to leave as my legacy is that I was angry at death…before it ever knocked on my door.

 

Death leaves a trail of grief; it has no time line. It can come rushing back into our thoughts without any notice. We all have to survive it the best way that we can. I took the bittersweet memories of my sister and created a recipe of life basted in love.

I think we all know someone who lost someone…let us be there for them. Nothing begins the healing process like a cup of kindness and a dash of laughter.

Laugh often…share memories; the place these angels had in our lives was filled beautifully…don’t let that be in vain. Spread their memories…shine their love through your laughter.

 

Upon writing this I learned of the death of actor Paul Walker. I hope you will join me in praying for his daughter and family…during this most difficult time.

 

As always…may Love and Light be with you forever.

Giving Thanks


Giving Thanks in 2013

 

This year has been a remarkable year for me. 2013 has been become my year of survival; and I wanted to take a moment to share that experience with you.

 

This will be my third complete year since my sister passed away. It has been quite a journey. Instead of taking that loss and making it a negative in my life; I found a way to smile past the tears. While many people, sometimes even myself; weren’t certain that I would survive it…I did. I survived the loneliness and grief that her absence left me with. I remembered to smile when her name ran across my lips. I talked about her and wrote about her every single time; my heart felt heavy. I reminded others how blessed they are every day; and how truly short life can be. I wrote and published my 5th book “In The Blink of An Eye”; a book which encompasses my journey of loss and grief, after her unexpected death. While there may never be another beautiful blue eyed girl in my life; I am grateful for knowing her…my best friend from God. I often hope that she is looking down, not only in my sadness; but I hope she is watching when I am laughing and loving, too. There was never a more clear vision of my Creator, as when she was walking in my life. I hope that 2014; also brings you…that spectacular angel energy that I was blessed with.

 

I want to say that we lost so many children this year; but the truth is they were taken, just as many children were lost last year. I pray for the day that we can all live in harmony with one another. Maybe we can start…today?

 

This year I survived another stroke; I once again won a war that Lupus waged on my body. I never let these moments pass without being totally honest about them; Lupus is a constant thief. It tries to steal every inch of health, love, hope and goodness from us. We get to decide what we allow it to have. This is not to take away from anything that anyone else is suffering with; as we all have unique experiences. But in my final thoughts of 2013; LUPUS failed.

 

I am thankful to all of you. You have helped make my year beautiful. You have given me hope; when mine was depleting. You allowed me into your lives and you nurtured mine, by doing so. You made me painfully aware of the violence we create against our fellow man and also all the animals within our wonderful planet. I was reminded of the issues of child abuse, neglect, starvation, homelessness, racism, violence and indifference that we are spilling onto one another’s lives. This is a blessing because until we shine light into the dark…we don’t realize that we are the ones that live there.

 

We are the dwellers of the darkness. We live in the dark, without realizing that the battle lines are drawn every time we choose to say nothing.

 

I am thankful for my family this year, and every year. We have continued to stand firm and strong; you are the glue which holds my soul together. I love you all.

 

I am finally and always thankful for a most Gracious Creator. Thank you for having patience and love with me; I know I don’t always make it easy. Thank you for showing me where to shine the light; and for guiding me when true adversity had set in. I am forever grateful for your vision of my life; ALL I AM, IS ALL YOU WANT ME TO BE…I am humbled.

 

I wish us all the greatest new year; remember to love one another in our hearts, minds souls, tongues and ears…so divine love can guide us home.

 

Hello Again


Hello Again

Hello, again. Today you sped through my mind, so quickly. I could almost feel myself wanting to beg you to slow down, just for a moment. I kept wondering, if I had just one moment…what would I say or what would I do? Is there something that I would do differently or would I keep things the same?

Would I take slow walks with you, just breathing in the life all around us? Would we plant flowers and watch as they grew a little each day? Would we take more shopping trips; even if we were just window shopping? Would we go back to the beach and look for sea shells and watch the children playing in the water? Would we go camping and roast marshmallows, until it was completely dark…except for the light of the campfire? Would I gaze into your amazing eyes and just soak up the very beauty of you? Would I tell you “I love you”, a million times…like it was the very last time I would ever get to say it?

Would we save up and take that huge trip to Africa or Australia, which we never were quite able to pull together in your short life? Would we stay up late talking about this or that? Would we give life to the truth, which we both know too well now…life is too short and regrets are too abundant?

You always run through my mind too quickly and there is so much I want you to know. Oh, how I miss that smile. I guess everyone says that, but I mean that little smirk you wore…as if to say…”I know something you don’t know”. I miss how you always looked for the color blue in everything and how everything in life, seemed to make you happy. You smiled through financial worries and you smiled through divorce; more importantly you helped me smile through Cancer and Lupus. You would pick my smile up off of the floor; dust it off and hand it back to me.

So many times I am left to wonder…what am I supposed to do now. Who will be there for me…when I am not easy to be around? Who will wipe my tears when I am so caught up in my emotions? Who will love me…as only a sister can…like only my sister could?

If I could slow you down…when you run through my mind…I don’t think I would say anything. Maybe I would just hold your face in between my hands and smile at you. I would just breathe you in and never want to exhale. I think I would just tell you that you gave me the most beautiful and most heart wrenching days of my entire life…when you came into my life…and when you were called home.

Don’t get this wrong, I never want you to stop walking through my mind. I want to always be reminded of what an angel you were to me in your life…and beyond that. I want to always remember how sweet your voice was when you were singing. I want to always be reminded how very precious life is…without you even really trying to do it.

I am thankful to you for all that you contributed to in my life and I want to tell you that the strength you restored within me…over flows.

I may always ache for your phone calls and visits; and maybe one day I won’t hurt quite as much. But even on days when I just want to say “hello, again”…I am really just saying…God…how I miss her so.

Happy Birthday, Melissa…I love you!


In_The_Blink_of_an_E_Cover_for_Kindle

 

I wanted to share with you all the most recent 5 star review on Amazon and GoodReads of this very emotional book. By Cianna Elizabeth whose blog is wonderful,,,,

 

This is a breathtakingly lovely book. A woman’s struggle to come to terms with the loss of her sister, and chronicling her journey to help other people who are going through the same struggles.

She writes letters to her sister throughout the book, exposing her thoughts, feelings and heartbreak trying to work through her loss, one letter at a time.

After the letters come poems, poems about the loss, the struggle and the hurt. Poems about carrying on and about finding hope.

She writes about touching memories, and thought and discussions that haunt her now that her sister has passed away:

“You simply replied…“I’m not strong enough to live without you…so God will have to take me first ”.

We laughed that remark off…never giving more thought or energy to it; until January 4th came.”

Her book, designed to show her journey but also to guide others who are grieving themselves, with kind words, and hopeful thoughts.

“If there was anything I could say to another person about any of this, it would be to spend more time with their loved ones. Spend more time laughing at the small stuff and less time worrying about things you have no control over. In life, we will only have the memories of the laughter and sometimes…the memories will have to be enough.”

The author looks back on her life struggles, being in a coma, car accident, cancer, and remembers her sister’s wisdom and guidance during those times. Her sister’s presence in her life.

This is a wonderful book, a wonderful memoir of one woman’s struggle to come to terms with loss. The letters and poetry are so real, and heartfelt, there’s no question about the quality of the book.

This isn’t really a book you can review, there’s no real plot to this story, it’s just a person’s journey through life, and it’s wonderful that they decided to share it with the world.

If you’d like to read this book, or find out more about L.M Young check out the website, goodreads, or on Amazon.

 

You can find her wonderful blog here and I hope you visit it often

In The Blink of An Eye


In The Blink of An Eye

As most of you know; my sister passed away about two years ago. The grief which that caused has, at times, bore deeply on my soul. I want to thank all of you for being so kind and supportive of my struggle. How do we overcome such a loss? Well, I did the only thing that I knew how to do…write. I wanted to share the introduction of my new book with you…please let me know what you think about it. As always…I wish you much Light and Love!!

In_The_Blink_of_an_E_Cover_for_Kindle

Introduction

I wanted to think that no one in the world could miss her; as much as I did. I wanted to feel offended by her death. I wanted to wrap up my grief, frustration and anger; over my sister’s death, and never think about it again. There was nothing anyone could tell me; and mostly they never attempted to tell me anything…about her or how I was handling her death. I had difficulty in most daily activities.

I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was disheartened by people whose lives seem to keep going. I didn’t understand why, even the world, seemed to keep spinning. There was pain, in simply, hearing her name. I couldn’t even think of that day in January without crying. What had become worse…I had tried to hide the pain. I was destroying myself with the thought that I wasn’t strong enough to live without her. But in a moment of love; someone whom I loved, came to me with an act of kindness.

She lovingly pointed out to me that my sister’s death did not happen to ME. She said I was experiencing the loss, yes, but my sister died…I didn’t. She may have never understood the light bulb that came on, in my soul that day.

At that moment, I understood, my feelings of anger came from one place…the thought…no…the FACT…that I had to go on living. And I had to go on living…without Melissa. I had to figure out a way to WANT to get out of bed. I had to devise a plan that would help me survive this horrific loss. I had to admit my pain…own it.

I went through so many cycles of grief it was ridiculous; and then I went through them again.

This precious thing we call life…is temporary. We must remember to make the most of it. In this book, you will find the raw emotions of my journey.  I loved my sister and in a single moment…In the Blink of an Eye…she was gone.

 

“In The Blink of An Eye” is currently available in paperback on our website

Love Drops


Love Drops

I got the news today

A Lupus Warrior gone home

But she left her footprints

Showing…we are never alone

Tears filled my eyes

My heart it grew heavy

But like most Angels

HE called…she was ready

She walked those glorious stairs

She was relieved from her pain

She found her beautiful smile

Never to leave her again

Lupus may think that it won

That it did her great harm

But the truth is she

Is wrapped in HIS loving arms

We will miss you sweet Angel

But we smile in the KNOW

You are with a Creator

Who always loved you so

So if you catch our tears falling

Realize our connection never stops

It’s not crying we are doing

But sharing God’s LOVE DROPS

**A Lupus Warrior went HOME today…Where only the brightest lights belong**

RIP KIMBERLY SPENCE

When


When

When I stop counting the days

When I stop cursing the tears

When I stop wondering why

You are no longer here

When my tears are only liquid joy

When the grief starts to clear

When I stop the frustration

When I wish you were here

When I come to the conclusion

When I am sure that she knew

That I loved her forever

And she loved me too

When I uncloak the monster

Where my anger resides

And acknowledge its just pain

I am carrying inside

When the ugliness is lifted

When I can sit down and say

I wasn’t ready to own the loss

When she lifted up that day

That is when the healing starts

When we learn to love from high

When we find even the love

When we must say good-bye

We will find God’s true grace

And love that never ends

From the warmth of a CREATOR

Whose love never bends

So this message I was given

For you…my family…my friends

Our souls will soon soar

But we must decide…when

 

His Grace


 His Grace

 

I woke up feeling sad

My heart was so blue

What was happening…oh

It was me missing you

 

It strikes all of a sudden

From a jump start

When my “missing you” thoughts

Go straight to my heart

 

So I wanted to write you

Reach out to you now

When I don’t know what to do

Not quite sure how

 

I miss you more each day

Though I guess it shouldn’t be

I should be used to this feeling

It’s such a part of me

 

So maybe I just needed

To whisper your name

Say I know you love me

And I feel the same

 

Let the tears that I drop

Water hearts forever

Reminding them…one day

We will again be together

 

Don’t wrinkle your nose

I know what you will say

Go out…live your life

Don’t grieve for me this way

 

Don’t let me cause sadness

Don’t let your heart break

You are loved and embraced

With every breath that you take

 

So straighten your walk

Turn the   soft music down

Wear that smile

Embrace the love you have found

 

Until next time my sister

My God Given best friend

When we are together forever

When time never ends

 

You filled my hearts heart

With love…warm feelings of you

I love you and am with you

No matter what you may do

 

As my tears slowly faded

And dried upon my face

I am thankful to Heaven

God lent me His grace

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