Tag Archive: death


Less


After my sister passed away
I had to deal with more pain
Than I had ever known
Not physical pain…I had become accustomed to that
But REAL heart break
And almost like a 6 year old
I decided I had dealt with enough…
And i just wasn’t equipped enough
Not strong enough
It was too hard
I literally threw a temper tantrum in my mind
But the thing was…
Whether I was ready or not
Whether it made me sad or not
It was here…
I had no choice
I remember talking to her around New Years Eve…
As I often do…since she passed
Telling her….I hate this
I wanted to see her
To touch her face…
And she said to me…while laughing
Have you ever loved anyone that you couldn’t touch?
Of course…everyone has
She said….do u love them less?
Of course not…but this isn’t the same
I want to be able to see you…
She reminded me that the kind of love we have now
Is the first kind of love we ever felt
Its unconditional…
It is not determined by man
Nor his/her physical needs
She said it will always be here for you
You can never undo it
No matter what choices you make…
I will always have my hands on your shoulders
She reminded me of the way I loved most people I know
And this was it…
Completely…without expectation…
I am thankful for those moments…
It reminded me of where i am supposed to be
Not for others…
But for my ancestors…
Love without expectation…
And you will never be disappointed
I miss you Melissa …
But I am not capable of loving you less….

You Are Never Alone


Love-Hearts-hd-wallpapers-7
Grief is a difficult cycle of life
We will be told that we are sorry for our loss
But really what we lost is just the control of
Our own emotions
Its a transformation of love change
It makes us sad
Because we have forgotten
This is the first type of love ever given to us
Divine love
Love without barriers
Without bars or windows
As humans we may try and facilitate
Physical love…
And that confuses our higher selves
Because our souls realize
That physical love is limiting
It causes us to forget that smells and sounds
Colors and a gentle breeze
Made us smile as infants
Not because we could wrap our tiny fingers around it
But because we understood, at that time
What it was like to be loved from within
For so many of our friends and family members
I wish I could stop the aching in your hearts
I know it too well
And I hope one day you will be able to receive
What I am trying to give to you
Because all the love you were given…
No matter how short their stay here…
Was a seed that they planted
Something that will always connect you
And one day when you are desperately seeking an answer
And one shows up…
Without explanation…
Just know that it was your loved one(s)
Giving you a moment of relief
Love never leaves you
In fact…
From this point forward it can only grow
Just know that you are being watched
From a place that you have been before
But have forgotten
Love knows no boundaries…
And you will never be alone

Recently, My Rays of Light Radio did a show about Domestic Violence.

The show was not just about Domestic Violence, in general terms…but I shared my own person struggle with this terrifying crime.

Violence on any level is inexcusable, but when the people that we love and trust, not only turn their backs…but their souls from us…it can feel devastating.

It was brought to my attention that perhaps I was just using my bout with abuse, to try and collect sympathy. I found this thought…deeply disturbing and I was hurt and angered by words from a stranger.

But please allow me to squash that ill placed thought.

I, nor anyone else, need sympathy. I do ask, however, that we all try to develop some sense of understanding and compassion for the women, children and men that are forced to live like this.
Is there a way out? Usually. But the victim…is often too afraid of the idea, if they were able to get away….what would happen if he found her? Can you imagine the anger and rage that would find an abuser, if his/her only form of entertainment has escaped? Can you imagine being afraid to breathe, for fear of getting caught. What kind of violence would be laid on him/her then? What if they have kids? Who can keep the children safe if the victim cannot keep herself safe and sound?

This is true fear.

Talking about violence, when you are the victim…is necessary. If we keep quiet about this condition, too many people live with, it will continue. I pray that was not the intention of the person who felt the need to extend his/her thoughts my way. Domestic Violence touches one in three women…every day. Women are struck, slapped, punched, kicked, choked, raped, mentally manipulated, financially held prisoner and spiritually depleted. They are yelled at demeaned, demoralized, cursed at, and belittled. This is not a ploy for sympathy…it is simply the truth. This happens every day, to women, children, and men alike.

My Rays of Light Radio Network…will constantly shine light on issues…that thrive in the darkness.
Do I need sympathy, NO. Do I ask for your sympathy? NO.
But I caution you…we wary of your thoughts…for you always get from the universe…all that you put into it.

My Rays of Light Radio Network

Memories To Keep


robin-williams

Memories To Keep

You made us laugh

Until we cried

Now we are left

To wonder why

Was it too much

This world of pain

As we ponder

Tears again

Sometimes the darkness

Can be so dooming

Leave us feeling alone

Don’t know what we are doing

Whatever the reason

You were brought to this end

We love and we thank you

You were like a long lost friend

I beg you all at this moment

Ask and get involved

Depression kills

Mystery solved

No place is safe

No person more susceptible

This illness is blinding

To all those we know

Rest in paradise

Our very funny friend

You kept us laughing

Until the very end

I wish we would have known

The smile masking the pain

Perhaps tomorrow

We would’ve seen you again

Life is too short

Love your loved ones deep

Before we are just left

With memories to keep

                                                ~LM Young

RIP Robin Williams…thanks for the memories

My Sisters Keeper


My Sister’s Keeper

 

I believe that the strongest and most sincere relationship that a person can have is with their brother or sister. Our brothers and sisters see us for who we really are; whether they want to admit it or not. They have seen us at our: Very worst and very best, at our weakest and strongest, falling in and out of love, in the most stressful and most joyous times in our lives. It is, in fact a relationship that is unparalleled. We know, even as children, that these are important relationships, because even as young girls…we are seeking the best friend equivalent to these God-given gifts. We will use terms such as, she is like my sister; to describe how close the two or few really are.

In families where the fabric is tightly woven, we understand what a treasure brothers and sisters can be to one another. We realize that even if we do not see eye to eye on millions of subjects and issues…we are family and therefore…who cares if we aren’t mirror images of one another?

I realize, also, that not all families have this closely knitted connection…and that is sad to me. We can take these gifts for granted; we may even cut off all ties and connections to them. While I would never impose my views of this topic on anyone…I can tell you this; my sister saved my life a million times, if she did it once. We weren’t raised together and came from opposite ends of the family tree. We never looked alike and we had friends that were polar opposites. We argued and grumbled at one another…and just when you would be certain that we would storm away…we smiled and moved on. We shared holidays and vacations; we shared her weddings and even a few funerals. Most importantly I knew, without question, she would never fail to be there for me.

I cherish moments when I can look back at my time with her and smile and reminisce about our times together. While her life was cut too short for my taste, she lived it well and never regretted a single moment. You just have to love that!!

The whole point of this is not to have an “oh woe is me” conversation. On the contrary, I have no regrets either…she lived a beautiful life and made lots of mistakes. She drank too much and never really found the man of her dreams. But she showed me what it was like to love another person in an unconditional way.

I loved her, in such a way, that I didn’t think possible…outside of my grandparents. I often was cross with her and we argued, as I said…but even in our worse moments…I would have walked across hot coals to help her. I never saw a dividing line between she and I, although I am certain they were there. And while I often didn’t like the things she did…I never loved her any less. The love we had couldn’t be shaken or unraveled.

This would be the point of this conversation. There is nothing that should keep all of us from loving one another just like this. I wasn’t in a relationship with her…we just loved. There must come a time in our lives when we decide that we love every one and every single thing that was created from the core…of which we were also created. We have brothers and sisters that live in countries and on continents that we have only read about. They will have had experiences that may never touch us in a million years. They will have struggled for generations, with poverty, slavery, genocide and hate hidden, as indifference. They will also have unique cultural experiences. The important point in all this is the knowledge of…none of the above makes them better or worse than we are. They are our brothers and sisters…and one day we will have to embrace that thought and idea.

If we began looking at one another, as brother and sister, how could we do any less than love and respect one another?

The whole concept behind this movement is simple…I am NOT my brother/sisters keeper…I AM MY BROTHER/SISTER.

I am them and they are me, therefore how can we do anything but love and support one another? It does not mean we will always agree, I doubt that is possible; even the greatest of relationships have differences that they must talk and work through. But it does mean that if I treat you with respect and we walk onward together…there is no enemy that we can’t defeat. And what is even better…if we are all brothers and sisters of the soul and heart…the only enemy that can be found…is within us.

What is Death


What is Death?

 

So I was thinking today…what does death mean to me?

This is important this time of year, because of the holidays that we have spent together. Anyone who has ever lost anyone due to death knows what I am talking about; we do not want to take special occasions that we spent, with those loved ones, and make them hurtful or negative to think about.

There had to be another way to think about this, I thought to myself. Holidays are physical dates; we can’t cry or scare them away with our inability to evolve our feelings into experiences. I noticed though, especially in myself, that was exactly what I wanted to do. What I noticed was, my sisters birthdate was still going to happen…whether my heart was ready for it or not. The holidays that we used to create beautiful memories…were still going to be holidays that come back around every year…even if I was angry that I was standing here…alone.

How do I make this better for myself, so I can make it more bearable for others that love me too?

Death became something different to me on January 4th. On that date death became my enemy; it was out to hurt me…and hurt I did.

I remembered thinking to myself, as I did as a child when traumatic things happened, what could I have possibly done to deserve this? This, of course was a very immature thought and my higher-self did not allow me to hold onto the direction this was going toward.

When I was reminded that this wasn’t about me; it brought back an image from TV or movies…where the actress was grabbed by the shoulders or smacked in the face…”SNAP OUT OF IT”!!

Okay, so I got that it wasn’t about me…but I felt the emptiness and blankness that this loss gave me.

I guess time was all I needed to make sense out of this. I loved my sister; and her death I felt was almost a welcome relief for her. She would no longer know pain or disappointment…and I could want no less for her and still claim to love her.

 

What does death mean to me? Death is our life “wake up” call. It reminds us how short our time on earth really is. How are we going to spend our last days and moments here? The last thing I would want to leave as my legacy is that I was angry at death…before it ever knocked on my door.

 

Death leaves a trail of grief; it has no time line. It can come rushing back into our thoughts without any notice. We all have to survive it the best way that we can. I took the bittersweet memories of my sister and created a recipe of life basted in love.

I think we all know someone who lost someone…let us be there for them. Nothing begins the healing process like a cup of kindness and a dash of laughter.

Laugh often…share memories; the place these angels had in our lives was filled beautifully…don’t let that be in vain. Spread their memories…shine their love through your laughter.

 

Upon writing this I learned of the death of actor Paul Walker. I hope you will join me in praying for his daughter and family…during this most difficult time.

 

As always…may Love and Light be with you forever.

Love Drops


Love Drops

I got the news today

A Lupus Warrior gone home

But she left her footprints

Showing…we are never alone

Tears filled my eyes

My heart it grew heavy

But like most Angels

HE called…she was ready

She walked those glorious stairs

She was relieved from her pain

She found her beautiful smile

Never to leave her again

Lupus may think that it won

That it did her great harm

But the truth is she

Is wrapped in HIS loving arms

We will miss you sweet Angel

But we smile in the KNOW

You are with a Creator

Who always loved you so

So if you catch our tears falling

Realize our connection never stops

It’s not crying we are doing

But sharing God’s LOVE DROPS

**A Lupus Warrior went HOME today…Where only the brightest lights belong**

RIP KIMBERLY SPENCE

Today


Today

I used to take moments for granted

Put it off til tomorrow I would say

I was a procrastinator…the worst kind

But I tell you…not today

I would sparingly send “I love You’s”

Pick and choose calls I returned

But not today I tell you

There is a painful lesson I learned

When we think there is always tomorrow

When we buy into that lie we create

Our window of opportunity will close

If we do not act…today

Is there is someone in your life

That you have taken for granted

I would strongly suggest

No…I am going to demand it

Life is short as we know it

And once a life line ends

We’re left with regret boundless

No way to make amends

Make the most of this moment

For moments aren’t supposed to last

Like sand in an hourglass

Our time falls away so fast

I once did what most do

I didn’t take enough time to say

I love you…I need you

But I promise…not today

For the love in our lives isn’t forever

They have work here also to do

Don’t put off until next time

Or you will have regret too

Make the most of this time

Before the sands of life wash it away

The pain of “what if’s” could be eased

If we made the most of today

Give love and be love always

Leave no room for sorrow

The time for action is today

Don’t put it off til tomorrow

Even up to this last few lines

I want to give you love in this way

Don’t postpone what needs to be done

Tell them “I Love You” today

Spoon Talk


Spoon Talk

What is this spoon talk

Amongst Lupus heroes

They symbolize our energy

How fast it can go

You need one to get up

But don’t be too fast

For one spoon opens your eyes

That’s how long a spoon lasts

Throughout the day you have

Limited spoons to use

By mid day you are

Running on a short  fuse

Who would have thought

A conversation would take

So much energy…a spoon

Concessions we must make

Oh and the smiles

They are deceptive too

But she doesn’t want

This to be a burden to you

So she smiles and laughs

While spoons are being spent

Until she realizes that

Her energy…it went

I guess if fatigue was

The extent of this disease

It would be a cake walk

Like a soft blowing breeze

But there is the pain and swelling

There are the organs shutting down

There are the tears she sheds

When no one else is around

There is the knowledge that

Lupus tends to create

Pain, bruising, swelling

The rashes, fatigue…the aches

Its amazing exactly how much

One shining smile can hide

Fear of the unknown

Lupus is a frightening ride

She gives a spoon for this

And a spoon for that

It may get you going

But how do you get back

Every idea you have

Every motion you make

Every attempt at normalcy

Is ALL lupus takes

So I am sharing with you

On this unspecific day

Be aware that this disease

Wants to kill all in its way

So my prayers are lifted up

And my heart it breaks

I know your struggles

How your strength breaks

Lupus and spoons

One day will be done

Keep hope in your hearts

This war will be won

I am sending you a smile

Healing energy and joy

For those days when

Your life feels a void

From my heart to yours

Til we fear the spoon no more

I wish you love and joy

Make memories galore

When


When

When I stop counting the days

When I stop cursing the tears

When I stop wondering why

You are no longer here

When my tears are only liquid joy

When the grief starts to clear

When I stop the frustration

When I wish you were here

When I come to the conclusion

When I am sure that she knew

That I loved her forever

And she loved me too

When I uncloak the monster

Where my anger resides

And acknowledge its just pain

I am carrying inside

When the ugliness is lifted

When I can sit down and say

I wasn’t ready to own the loss

When she lifted up that day

That is when the healing starts

When we learn to love from high

When we find even the love

When we must say good-bye

We will find God’s true grace

And love that never ends

From the warmth of a CREATOR

Whose love never bends

So this message I was given

For you…my family…my friends

Our souls will soon soar

But we must decide…when

 

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