Tag Archive: fear


Less


After my sister passed away
I had to deal with more pain
Than I had ever known
Not physical pain…I had become accustomed to that
But REAL heart break
And almost like a 6 year old
I decided I had dealt with enough…
And i just wasn’t equipped enough
Not strong enough
It was too hard
I literally threw a temper tantrum in my mind
But the thing was…
Whether I was ready or not
Whether it made me sad or not
It was here…
I had no choice
I remember talking to her around New Years Eve…
As I often do…since she passed
Telling her….I hate this
I wanted to see her
To touch her face…
And she said to me…while laughing
Have you ever loved anyone that you couldn’t touch?
Of course…everyone has
She said….do u love them less?
Of course not…but this isn’t the same
I want to be able to see you…
She reminded me that the kind of love we have now
Is the first kind of love we ever felt
Its unconditional…
It is not determined by man
Nor his/her physical needs
She said it will always be here for you
You can never undo it
No matter what choices you make…
I will always have my hands on your shoulders
She reminded me of the way I loved most people I know
And this was it…
Completely…without expectation…
I am thankful for those moments…
It reminded me of where i am supposed to be
Not for others…
But for my ancestors…
Love without expectation…
And you will never be disappointed
I miss you Melissa …
But I am not capable of loving you less….

You Matter


You Matter

You matter

To the hundredth degree

You matter to you

And also to me

Your life in itself

Is an unrealized dream

You give life and love

To people not yet seen

You matter I tell you

Every breath that you take

Is encouragement to another

And the decisions they will make

You matter because simply

I have been there too

Lost, lonely, abandoned

Sometimes battered and bruised

You matter to me because

You will give someone else hope

Sometimes that’s all it takes

To remove a neck from the rope

You matter because today

Someone will here your tale

About how you didn’t give up

How you refused to fail

You matter always because

You survived sometimes brutal pain

If just to walk away and share how

One life is able to sustain

You matter to me my friend

I want to share you with the masses

Encouraging them to step up

Remove the rose colored glasses

Yes, you knew torment

I have felt the same

You are not a statistic

Tell the world your name

Walk ahead and prosper

You were meant for a brighter place

Show them your strength

It’s written all over your face

You matter my love

Because you survived and are here

Furthering my plea

Our Creator is always near

You matter my friend

And I’m so glad that you did

You walked to the head of the class

When others might have hid

You matter like family

I’m so glad that you escaped

And by doing so you helped

Others learn their way

You matter to the world

Because you would not hide away

You did nothing wrong

We’re so glad that you stayed

You matter to us all

So I hand the baton to you

So you can tell another

How much they matter too

~LM Young

My Rays of Light Radio


Recently, My Rays of Light Radio did a show about Domestic Violence.

The show was not just about Domestic Violence, in general terms…but I shared my own person struggle with this terrifying crime.

Violence on any level is inexcusable, but when the people that we love and trust, not only turn their backs…but their souls from us…it can feel devastating.

It was brought to my attention that perhaps I was just using my bout with abuse, to try and collect sympathy. I found this thought…deeply disturbing and I was hurt and angered by words from a stranger.

But please allow me to squash that ill placed thought.

I, nor anyone else, need sympathy. I do ask, however, that we all try to develop some sense of understanding and compassion for the women, children and men that are forced to live like this.
Is there a way out? Usually. But the victim…is often too afraid of the idea, if they were able to get away….what would happen if he found her? Can you imagine the anger and rage that would find an abuser, if his/her only form of entertainment has escaped? Can you imagine being afraid to breathe, for fear of getting caught. What kind of violence would be laid on him/her then? What if they have kids? Who can keep the children safe if the victim cannot keep herself safe and sound?

This is true fear.

Talking about violence, when you are the victim…is necessary. If we keep quiet about this condition, too many people live with, it will continue. I pray that was not the intention of the person who felt the need to extend his/her thoughts my way. Domestic Violence touches one in three women…every day. Women are struck, slapped, punched, kicked, choked, raped, mentally manipulated, financially held prisoner and spiritually depleted. They are yelled at demeaned, demoralized, cursed at, and belittled. This is not a ploy for sympathy…it is simply the truth. This happens every day, to women, children, and men alike.

My Rays of Light Radio Network…will constantly shine light on issues…that thrive in the darkness.
Do I need sympathy, NO. Do I ask for your sympathy? NO.
But I caution you…we wary of your thoughts…for you always get from the universe…all that you put into it.

My Rays of Light Radio Network


Let Not The Children Suffer

Let not the children suffer

They are innocent from hate

They didn’t ask for indifference

Or the lies that we create

Let them not know sorrow

Or agonizing pain

Allow their hearts to encourage

Others to love again

Let not a child’s cries

At night go unheard

Listen to their spirit

Every single word

For when we turn a deaf ear

When our eyes are now blind

Our children pay the price

Of evil that we find

If we fail to make a stand

For fear of standing out

We are accomplices in sin

Of that there is no doubt

Our children are paying

A price which is not theirs

While we are here talking

About unwanted stares

Let the children not suffer

Let us all own what is ours

Leave the children to their laughter

Running through spring showers

When we pour water on the fire

A child carries in their dreams

We become the culprit

And the evil it does bring

Let not them know suffering

It’s the only way to go home

By carefully holding their hearts

Saying…you are not alone

The Right Choice


The Right Choice

Once upon a time

In an unspoken space

A little girl was touched

In an unmentionable place

No fairy tale heroine

No wishes did come true

She learned the hard way

How the pain…it grew

She cried silent tears

To a parent who didn’t care

She just wanted to be loved

It really wasn’t fair

She should have been safe

Inside the privacy of her home

Instead she lived a life

No one could have known

Sure we suspected at times

That something may be wrong

But our silent objections

Went on far too long

How could we have let her

Be invaded be attacked

No longer an opinion

A publicly known fact

We sat and did nothing

Now we shed a tear

While this angel of peace

Had to live in fear

Shame on the parents

For the sins they would do

Shame on us all

We are guilty too

For it takes a village

To embrace God’s children now

Not sure when it happened

But we forgot that somehow

May God forgive us all

For we failed his lamb for sure

We turned deaf ears to

The crying of the pure

Failure is not an option

Yet we would rather choose to be

Lost than to walk toward

Our own humanity

After all she wasn’t our child

I guess maybe we forgot

We made a divine promise

Now it’s us who’s lost

Join with me please now

Speak out against this thing

That is killing our children

And the innocence they bring

Dare to stand up tall

Let chips fall where they may

And help save a child who

May be killed this way

Be the voice that they need

Be the sword they can’t wield

Be the truth that they seek

When God is our shield

Say I love you to this child

By giving her heart a voice

It is all up to us now

Let’s make the right choice

Baby Steps


Baby Steps

 

  Often we will walk about life; insistent that we are living it to the fullest. Yet our minds are full of suspicions. When will this person or the next do what will, most certainly, disappoint us; unfortunately, the chaos that we are waiting for; can actually be brought forth by our own negative thoughts; a self fulfilling prophecy, so to speak.

  It is good that we are aware that the end is coming; it helps us prepare for those left behind. The end of anything is inevitable, just as surely as there is a beginning, there will be an ending. What is not good for us; is to be so preoccupied with the ending that we fail to enjoy the ride getting there.

  We rarely will go to a movie without asking another person; if they saw it and how it ends. The explanation will make sense; why spend money on a movie if we do not like the outcome?

  It is another reason we may ask other people about the person we are in a relationship with. What is he/she like? Has he/she ever done this or that? To a degree we should know the type of person that we are dealing with; but are we so closely eyeing the end that we are failing to enjoy the moment?

  When people die; we will say that if we only knew this was going to happen, we would have done things differently. We would have had that last loving conversation. We would have said “I love you”; so many more times. People generally do one, of two things; we will constantly eye the ending and fail to live; or we will be oblivious to the end and miss out on what matters.

  If we are constantly watching out for the ending; we can miss the valuable gems in the middle. The destination is really not as important as the paths we cross to get there. But if we are so intently seeking the ending then we will miss the flowers set out for us along the way. The end will come; of that we can be certain. A movie will end; a relationship will end; life most definitely will end. The question now should be; what did we learn or gain from the experience?

  Be aware, there is always something to gain, in all things. Even a relationship that ends will show us something. The problem with this being; we will often think that it was a waste of time and energy. However, if we look deeper into the situation; we might be able to say that we learned something from it; even if we only learned what we do not want or need. We must allow ourselves the experience of the journey, in order to ingest the lessons that were intended for us.

  Do not be so afraid of the end that we become our own executioners. Go into life situations cautiously; but I implore you to still go. Be aware that not all relationships will be the ones that great romantic novels speak about. Be aware that we may never find the romantic lines spoken on the big screen, in our lives. But also be aware that those novels and movies; were created. These moments were staged; the words were well thought out and edited. Our lives are better than that; because our lives are unique. No one else will have ever seen your life before; therefore the experience is one that has never been seen.

  Our lives are like great block buster hits; that no one can spoil the ending to.

  No one wants to be hurt. But we will all be hurt, in one way or another. Allow the hurt to tell you something; let it speak to you. Let the heart break or tears show you exactly what you were being taught all along. Often it is only in our heartbreak that we realize the exact impact that situation had on us. It is a reminder that we were touched by someone or something.

  Think about the effects the ending of a movie has on us. Often we do not feel the love or loss of whatever relationship is developed during the course of a movie; until the very end. The end will make us laugh, cry, or just give us a sense of relief. These feelings and emotions are what will tell us how beautiful the story was. The lumps in our throats, or tears in our eyes are reminding us how we were touched by the sentiment behind the movie. But usually, we don’t cry all the way through the movie; it is the ending that will wrap all of it together for us.

  Loss is hard. No matter how hard it is; there is one fact that will remain, the world will keep spinning. In our sadness and grief, the rest of the world will keep moving. While we must all grieve in our own way; we must all learn to move on in our own way too. Recall the experience, embrace the memories; these are tasks that are harder than they seem. How often does one hear, “go on with your life”; “this is not what he/she would have wanted for you”; we all must move through grief in our own way. It is a definite loss, an absence is felt. These are wounds that run deep; they take time to heal, allow your self that time.

  Whether we are grieving the loss of a relationship, or the loss of a life; the pain is very real. But in the middle of that grief; read, sing, dance, you could even write. All of these things are baby steps which will lead you down your path. Just because someone makes something look easy; does not mean that it is. Every baby step is one closer to the goals set for us; where our heart break is more bearable. Make the steps for yourself and for others…just as this is my baby step for you.

God’s Life Raft


God’s Life Raft

Oh, lonely moon
In a midnight sky
Silent watcher of a
Young child’s cry

Cries in the night
For help go unheard
Never acknowledging
…imagining the brutal hurt

Bruises unexplained
Left on purest skin
A child’s personal war
Is about to begin

Cruelest of words
Thrown at an innocent heart
May seem climactic
But it’s only a start

Little bodies torn
From invasion so vile
She has no hope
Her body defiled

We argue about cell phones
And going out
Her screams are silent
…every day she shouts

She just needs one person
…one human being
To step up to the plate
About what they have seen

Yet again heads are turned
…often a tear falling away
And she’s having to face
Terror again today

This criminal she knows
…she loved and did trust
What is the world becoming
…what’s happened to us

This once sweet lamb
…knows what true evil does
Innocence lost
…barely remembers what it was

If we fail to make the call
…afraid of stepping up
Her life may end
…all because of us

Often when we ask God
To help us through
He throws only one life raft
…what if it’s you?

Would you then look to others
To shout to the world
Leave her alone
…she’s just a little girl

I beg you to please
Step out of your shell
While you are deciding
…she lives in Hell

**In the spirit of trying to do our part…we are donating a portion of our proceeds from the sale of “The Light of Our Path” to the Atlanta Childrens Shelter, Inc.

The Day My World Shook


The Day My World Shook

 

  The ground shifted under my feet, did she say cancer? No, there must be a mistake. I just came in for a check up a few days ago…life was normal. Did she say cancer? No, she has me confused with someone else. Things like this don’t happen to me. I must have looked at her like she was speaking in a foreign language, because she just looked back and didn’t utter a word. I felt her touch the top of my hand…I snatched it back like she sent an electric charge through my skin. No, don’t console me. She was wrong. Do I look like a cancer patient? No. I do everything right. I am kind to people. I watch what I eat. I exercise. I pray. Things like this aren’t supposed to happen to people like me. I keep muttering to myself…what did I do wrong? I spoke a little too loudly. She responds as if I am asking her the question. She says there is often no explanation as to what causes a woman to start producing cancerous cells. Did she say cancer again? I shake my head in disbelief…will someone make her stop saying that?

  She asks if someone was with me, because we needed to discuss treatments. Of course no one was with me…this was just a check up. Treatment, did she say treatment? Ummm, how do we get rid of it?  She smiles. Why was she smiling? There is no cure for cervical cancer. No cure? Okay, yeah, I knew that. Breathe…don’t forget to breathe. Do not pass out. I ask her, “Why do I have cancer”? She gives me the generic, “there is no way to know why exactly”. She went on about genetics, diet, and other contributing factors, but wrapping it up telling me that it may be none of the above. Why am I asking dumb questions? I know all of this. Wait, am I going to die? I almost couldn’t see her expression, blinking through my own tears. We are going to try and get it under control before we have to think about that. Try? Breathe…don’t forget to breathe, Wait, don’t breathe too hard…you are going to start hyper ventilating. It’s going to be okay, but you have to get a grip on your emotions right now.

  She starts telling me that she wanted to try and freeze the cells…but the disease is too progressive. We have to do a biopsy to see exactly what we are dealing with. My mind starts spinning. How did I get to this place?

  Two weeks ago I was in my friend Lisa’s car with our kids. She had asked me to go to the pediatrician with her. We are on our way home from the doctor and a dump truck ran a red light and turned across our lane from the opposite direction. It was like a cartoon…in slow motion. I remember saying to her…”is he going to stop”? He didn’t. He hit us head on. I remember my face hitting the dashboard a few times, because her car was old and only had lap belts. I remember lifting my face off of the dashboard…my eyes were closed. Did I pass out; maybe for a minute or two? Everything was still. When I lifted my face, blood was pouring out of it. I couldn’t let them see me bleeding, they will panic. I crawled out of her car. I was walking, although I am not sure where I was walking toward. A woman stopped me, she was afraid to touch me. I could barely hear her voice. Was she whispering? No, my ears are ringing. She asks me to sit down on the side of the road. She says she is a nurse from New York. She asks to check out my wounds. But I asked her to please check everyone else first. I sit down and put my face on my knees. There was blood all over my shirt and the upper portion of my pants were soaked in blood. I am feeling my teeth…okay, they are all here. She comes back and says the blood on my daughter’s head was not hers, but mine. I hear an ambulance. A guy I know stopped to check on us. He didn’t realize I was hurt until I lifted my head off of my knees. He saw my face and it looked like he was going to pass out too.

  I couldn’t get my mind together; my girlfriend had to answer the E.M.T.’s questions. I couldn’t remember anything about my health. She kept looking at me asking if I was okay. I could see her mouth moving; but I was looking through her. Did that dump truck driver really hit us? Why didn’t he try to stop? Luckily some guys ran him down and forced him to pull over. We would learn later during a court appearance that he was half blind, and was supposed to wear thick eye glasses. He wasn’t wearing glasses on the day of the accident. He could have killed us. We were lucky. For the most, all injuries seemed superficial. My face was severely bruised, so much so, that on my first doctors visit the nurse asked me if I was a domestic violence victim. Both of my eyes were black and blue. My face was swollen; my lip was cut open too. There were bruises on my thighs, ribs and across both of my breasts.

  It was the bruises on my chest that prompted me to visit my ob/gyn. I wanted make sure there were no lumps or anything like that since I hit the dashboard so hard. Now I remember, my doctor asked if I wanted a pap smear while I was there. I can recall thinking, no. But for whatever reason, I said yes.

  A week later here I am…living with cancer. My doctor said there was no telling how long I had actually had it. She said it could have been dormant in my system for a while, and the accident could have jarred something in me…causing it to spread.

  How do I go home and explain everything that my doctor just told me? I have cancer. I kept saying it over and over again in the car. I thought if I said it enough that by the time I got home that I could say it without crying. I decided instead of going straight home; I would go to see my sister. I needed a safe place to go, where I could fall apart…just for a minute. I just needed a minute. I kept praying all the way to her apartment…please God…let me have this one minute.

  I barely remember her answering the door. I just remember falling into her. She was confused. She kept touching my face, looking for a new injury. She was talking so fast…I couldn’t answer her. My mouth wouldn’t move. Finally I told her that my doctor said that I have cervical cancer…and I just fell apart. She kept saying NO…over and over again. She was crying so hard; I could no longer determine who was consoling whom. I told her that unless the treatments worked before it started spreading further…I might die. And she mustered up all of this strength and told me that wasn’t going to happen. She said she wasn’t strong enough to live without me, so there was no way that God would ever take me first. It wouldn’t be until this past year that I understood the truth of her statement, when she died unexpectedly.

  She was an angel to me in that moment. She went with me to tell my mom and the rest of my family and friends. It was no longer me having cancer, but us having it. During the entire ordeal, her faith and strength never waivered; she continued to be the glue that kept me together. I would end up having several rounds of radiation treatments. It would spread into my uterus before it finally went into remission for good.

 

  I wanted to share that experience with you, not to be entertaining…but to show you how God has led me to this place. I have always known that God will use me to shine light on issues…and hopefully we can all grow from it. Our Creator has a divine plan for us all and He uses experiences and circumstances as tools to guide us…and if we are paying close attention we can use those experiences to help one another.

 

  I wish you all peace and pray that you will continue to love one another…as God loves you.

Everyone’s Fight


  January is Cervical Cancer Awareness month. I posted a blog in October 2011 concerning my own personal journey with this disease that I wanted to repost today. I am writing a more detailed account of my journey, but wanted to remind everyone that the Cancer struggle truly is everyone’s fight. I hope you enjoy the post…Peace and Blessings to you one and all!!

***************************************************************

Our Battle

 

   One day I found my daughter extremely upset and crying. I asked her what was wrong and said “you lied to me”, and sobbed harder. I asked what it was that she thought I had lied to her about, as I try to be as honest, but gentle, as I can. She said “you told me the cancer was gone, but it isn’t”. I had been diagnosed with cervical cancer a few years prior, but it had since gone into remission. I asked her why she would think that I would lie about it, and she went on to explain that she had found pieces of my hair laying on top of the bathroom trash. I tried to explain that I simply had trimmed my hair that day…but she was crying so hard that she couldn’t hear me. Then she asks me, “Are you getting ready to die”? It took a while for me to get her calm enough for me to even have this discussion with her.

  But the truth was that I had never lost any hair due to cancer or the treatments…she had never seen me in that condition. But she had seen movies and TV shows where the cancer patients had lost their hair and eventually died. It was a lot for her beautiful heart to grasp. I went on to explain the different types of cancer, and told her that my cancer was caught early, and even though treatments made me sick…I was fine now. We had a very basic conversation about the disease, and it would be a few years before we had the detailed conversation, when her mind was more mature.

  The problem was that instead of talking to her about the disease when I was diagnosed, because I didn’t want her to worry about me, I just gave her very generic information. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time but, I was wrong. Because she felt that I didn’t tell her enough…she sought information elsewhere, which in this case was the television…where most individuals with cancer lose all their hair and then they die shortly after.

  Even at her young age, she knew that cancer was a frightening thing. So we had many conversations about it from that point there after. I gave her a new perspective on the illness. I told her I never had to live with cancer…it had to live with me. I didn’t have to fight cancer …it had to fight me. I explained to her that I had this body first and if it wanted to have it ….it would have to fight me for it. This approach gave her strength; she no longer looked at me as a victim. One day I heard her talking to a friend about my health, and she asked if I was a cancer survivor. And she opened her big brown eyes and said NO, my mom did not survive cancer…IT could not survive her!

The cancer didn’t survive us…and she became my own personal army. I would have to endure several rounds of treatments before it actually went into remission for good…but finally it did. But not everyone has a happy ending, sadly.

  We must be aware of our bodies, get regular physicals, and do routine breast exams. We must become proactive in this fight…it has claimed far too many lives already. Until we have a cure, we must look for signs and use precautions…such as using strong sun screen when going into the sun…don’t ignore unusual moles or skin lesions, if you feel something that you didn’t remember being there before…no matter how miniscule…get it checked.

  Contact the American Cancer Society for support or ways that you can help in this cause…it is worth your time. I pray that no one else has to explain to anyone they love about their fight against cancer…but it isn’t going away by itself. Did you know that there is a different cancer awareness month almost every single month out of the year? This is just showing us how very serious this disease is. Over 40,000 people die from breast cancer every year in the United States that is both men and women…so get the facts. For more information please contact:

 

http://www.cancer.org/

 

 

Sweet Warrior


 Although you didn’t realize it I heard you cry

 I know of your pain

And while it may be hard to believe

 I, too, have felt the shame

 

Every blow he has dealt you

I have felt before

And while you may think

You can take no more

 

Please know that you

Are stronger than steel

Even when you are crying

No matter what you may feel

 

His attempt to destroy the light

Within your heart

Has failed miserably every time

 Of that there is no doubt

 

I know you feel alone

Because once I did too

He leaves his weakness

On your face…a bruise

 

I want you to understand

I need you to see

How much you are loved

Starting with me

 

I love your strength

And the resolve on your face

I love the fact that

He can’t keep up with your pace

 

I adore the reminder that with you

God always smiles

And even if it feels like

You haven’t seen it in a while

 

The power behind your smile

In spite of the ongoing pain

Always brings out your sunshine

When he only wants to see rain

 

The sparkle in which

Your eyes always show

Is a constant reminder

Of the love you now know

 

God loves you sweet warrior

Never doubt that fact

I know you feel alone

But no matter where you are at

 

You are being divinely watched over

And his cowardly deeds

Will soon be repaid

With God’s wrath…a fact he should heed

 

Please hold on to this notion

That you are not alone

And you grow stronger

With every punch that is thrown

 

And while I will ask you

 To please find away

To muster up your strength

And quickly walk away

 

Until you are able to break free

Know that you aren’t the only one

And God is watching over you

And His will…soon will be done

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