Tag Archive: loss


Hello Again


Hello Again

Hello, again. Today you sped through my mind, so quickly. I could almost feel myself wanting to beg you to slow down, just for a moment. I kept wondering, if I had just one moment…what would I say or what would I do? Is there something that I would do differently or would I keep things the same?

Would I take slow walks with you, just breathing in the life all around us? Would we plant flowers and watch as they grew a little each day? Would we take more shopping trips; even if we were just window shopping? Would we go back to the beach and look for sea shells and watch the children playing in the water? Would we go camping and roast marshmallows, until it was completely dark…except for the light of the campfire? Would I gaze into your amazing eyes and just soak up the very beauty of you? Would I tell you “I love you”, a million times…like it was the very last time I would ever get to say it?

Would we save up and take that huge trip to Africa or Australia, which we never were quite able to pull together in your short life? Would we stay up late talking about this or that? Would we give life to the truth, which we both know too well now…life is too short and regrets are too abundant?

You always run through my mind too quickly and there is so much I want you to know. Oh, how I miss that smile. I guess everyone says that, but I mean that little smirk you wore…as if to say…”I know something you don’t know”. I miss how you always looked for the color blue in everything and how everything in life, seemed to make you happy. You smiled through financial worries and you smiled through divorce; more importantly you helped me smile through Cancer and Lupus. You would pick my smile up off of the floor; dust it off and hand it back to me.

So many times I am left to wonder…what am I supposed to do now. Who will be there for me…when I am not easy to be around? Who will wipe my tears when I am so caught up in my emotions? Who will love me…as only a sister can…like only my sister could?

If I could slow you down…when you run through my mind…I don’t think I would say anything. Maybe I would just hold your face in between my hands and smile at you. I would just breathe you in and never want to exhale. I think I would just tell you that you gave me the most beautiful and most heart wrenching days of my entire life…when you came into my life…and when you were called home.

Don’t get this wrong, I never want you to stop walking through my mind. I want to always be reminded of what an angel you were to me in your life…and beyond that. I want to always remember how sweet your voice was when you were singing. I want to always be reminded how very precious life is…without you even really trying to do it.

I am thankful to you for all that you contributed to in my life and I want to tell you that the strength you restored within me…over flows.

I may always ache for your phone calls and visits; and maybe one day I won’t hurt quite as much. But even on days when I just want to say “hello, again”…I am really just saying…God…how I miss her so.

Happy Birthday, Melissa…I love you!

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His Grace


 His Grace

 

I woke up feeling sad

My heart was so blue

What was happening…oh

It was me missing you

 

It strikes all of a sudden

From a jump start

When my “missing you” thoughts

Go straight to my heart

 

So I wanted to write you

Reach out to you now

When I don’t know what to do

Not quite sure how

 

I miss you more each day

Though I guess it shouldn’t be

I should be used to this feeling

It’s such a part of me

 

So maybe I just needed

To whisper your name

Say I know you love me

And I feel the same

 

Let the tears that I drop

Water hearts forever

Reminding them…one day

We will again be together

 

Don’t wrinkle your nose

I know what you will say

Go out…live your life

Don’t grieve for me this way

 

Don’t let me cause sadness

Don’t let your heart break

You are loved and embraced

With every breath that you take

 

So straighten your walk

Turn the   soft music down

Wear that smile

Embrace the love you have found

 

Until next time my sister

My God Given best friend

When we are together forever

When time never ends

 

You filled my hearts heart

With love…warm feelings of you

I love you and am with you

No matter what you may do

 

As my tears slowly faded

And dried upon my face

I am thankful to Heaven

God lent me His grace

But I Love You Anyway


But I Love You Anyway

 

The most difficult lessons we may ever learn, in this life, are the ones that break our hearts. I have personally endured such lessons. I have disappointed people; I have lost people that I love. I, like everyone else, have endured immeasurable grief.

 

When we grieve the death of a loved one, or the death of a relationship; we are not grieving for the one who we lost. We are grieving for ourselves. We are angry, hurt, disappointed and often infuriated; by the fact that; we are left to carry on. We must find a way to keep going; even when our hearts are on fire, with sorrow.

 

Someone I love once told me that when my sister died…it didn’t happen to me. She said that it affected me; and my sorrow was really over the fact that I had to find a way to move on. I didn’t want to believe her; and the fact that she was/is someone who I know wouldn’t hurt me, intentionally; I took the time to listen to her. I was angered by what she said. Of course it happened to me, MY sister died. It was at that point, when she stopped me. She said, “Say that again”. I repeated it was MY sister that died. The point I was trying to emphasize is that she was my sister, not hers; and how dare she say it didn’t happen to me? She said again in the softest voice…she died…you didn’t.

 

Tears started streaming out of my face; seemingly out of nowhere, I saw her point. I had to find the strength to move on; I was left alone to survive. The mere thought of that idea; to this day, makes me cry. I had to decide to move on; I had to decide…every day… to breathe in and out. I found this knowledge disturbing and it hurt. Not that I didn’t want to live; I’m not suicidal. But I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a part of a world where my sister, my best friend…no longer breathed. I felt abandoned…I felt isolated and I was angry.

 

I felt justified in my anger; no one knew what it was like to love my sister, the way I did. I found a million ways to look at this situation; so that no one could effectively say…I know how you feel. I slowly realized; I created the isolation. People wanted to care; simply because they loved me…and I was hurting.

 

Anger is a funny thing; it can feel so good. Anger can burn longer than any candle you ever light, if we allow it to. Anger can fuel any negative fire that we may come into contact with. Anger will also destroy us.

 

Anger will keep us from forgiving others and it will keep us from being forgiven. Remember what I said in the beginning…everything is a lesson.

 

When we hold on to anger…we are only hurting ourselves. We are blocking our blessings; even when it isn’t our intention.

 

Sometimes I still get angry; when I think about my sister. I will get angry at the mere thought of her leaving me. I have even had conversations about it, with her.

 

But thankfully, I have a most gracious Creator. Even in moments when I feel like I deserve nothing; my Creator shines light on me and says, “But I love you anyway”.

 

We are surrounded by beauty and love; it can be found in everyone and everything.

 

People may say that is just hippy talk; how is a dandelion beauty and love…it is a weed!!

I love these moments. I smile and say, hold out your hands. When empty hands are held out; I will say…using only what is in your hands…make that weed.

 

The beauty and love, even in a dandelion, is the fact that it was created from Greatness. We were all created from Greatness; made to love one another. And when a life cycle ends, on earth, the memories we created with that person…has the miracle of eternal life.

 

There are people on the planet, who were not privileged enough to know my sister. I was blessed by her existence and her memories live through me. People are touched by her; through my writing or speech or actions. Her life truly is eternal.

 

My life was forever changed the day that my sister died. I miss her…every day of my life. There is a void that her death has given me; and I would be lying if I denied that. But it was her time to go Home; and while I don’t think she would have chosen it; she earned it. I know she watches over me now; and I’ m sure she is shaking her head, at times. But the true blessing, is knowing that no matter what I do; which she might not agree with…she will always meet me with an, “But I love you anyway”.

 

And don’t we all deserve those moments?

Some One You Love


Some One You Love

I won’t insult you I promise

By saying I know your pain

It may look similar

But I know it isn’t the same

I have felt the tears of loss

My heart has been torn in two

I understand feeling isolated

Not sure of what next to do

I have felt my Creators love

I never doubt it at all

But at times even I have felt

When all our hopes fall

It doesn’t mean I have loved less

In fact may be felt too much

My heart broken into pieces

Isolated from a loved ones touch

But like every dark moment

Comes in an unexpected time

The sun will also rise

And…oh…how His light does shine

Belittle you…I would never

Make less of your agonizing hurt

But I promise the dawn is so near

Even if it only comes in spurts

Cry all day if you need to

This too I can agree

Is about life’s disappointments

As it has also happened to me

Not disappointed with the experience

That only true blessings can bring

But thoughts of loneliness…heartache

And other mysterious things

Like your soul being uprooted

Being set on foreign soil

Being pushed away from a love

Like mixing water with oil

I understand the type of hurt

Loss can bring forth in you

NO, I don’t know YOUR pain

But I have been hurting too

Maybe all my tears and pain

Were only leading me up to this

So I could tell you about this love

The one I will always miss

About how their eyes sparkled

How their laughter cured a pain

And if you let me tomorrow

I will tell you about it again

I don’t know your personal trek

I don’t claim to be that vain

But I promise you are not alone

A Truth which will remain

For in a single tear drop

We can find an angel’s voice

Repairing your heart slowly

Helping your soul rejoice

Your loss will always be different

But allow me to mourn with you

So you may reach out to another

Whose heart is breaking too

Wipe a tear…give a hug

Or just a friendly “I know”

Will start the healing process

Watch love as it grows

I didn’t want to feel better

Guilt made me feel so sad

Claiming it shouldn’t have been

I just felt so bad

But a personal angel of mine

Reminded me of a thought

I was blessed with an existence

That others never got

I was blessed with a blessing

It was a gift even though brief

And their life wasn’t stolen

By a criminal or thief

They got a free ride home

Their work had long been done

They fought life’s valiant fight

At last they had won

My tears dried on my pillow

I washed my tear stained face

Giving praises to the Highest

For showing me such Grace

One day I promise you will

Think of this day and sigh

When your love went home

To live with our Most High

And when an unexpected smile

Shows up on your precious face

Know that some one you love

Sent it from a great place

Move On


Move On

Appreciate every single day

These moments are so rare

We have such a small window

To show how much we care

Appreciate every hug you get

Every ray of God’s light

Appreciate waking up every morning

And experiencing every night

Tell those you love that you do

Remind them with every breath

From you most recent encounter

Starting the day you met

Smile…even in conversation

Appreciate laughter when you may

Life is a true blessing and

We don’t know how long we’ll stay

Grieve not the regrets we have

For we can not fix the past

But hold steady onto the love

The only thing meant to last

Even as a tear falls from

Your beautiful misty eyes

You are loved beyond the grave

By a Source most wise

Appreciate the moments

They never come again

Share the love with family

And as you gather with friends

Look straight ahead now

For if you let this slip away

You will again feel regret

For lost moments from today

Let your heart feel its sorrow

It must cry a little too

But do not let grief own

The beauty which is you

It’s hard to say goodbye

To those we love and trust

But only the flesh is gone

They still love you just as much

They didn’t leave you at all

Although I know your hearts pain

For I, too, know about loss

When only you remain

I have felt your heart break

My heart too, has been shattered

When my love was sent home

Felt like I didn’t matter

Love not waste not

Your memories will prevail

You will love again

It will happen without fail

Then one day you will wake

And before you know its true

Your sadness with give way

To what you were meant to do

So before you are stuck in gloom

Appreciate the dawn

Time…it waits for no one

And it always does move on

Baby Steps


Baby Steps

 

  Often we will walk about life; insistent that we are living it to the fullest. Yet our minds are full of suspicions. When will this person or the next do what will, most certainly, disappoint us; unfortunately, the chaos that we are waiting for; can actually be brought forth by our own negative thoughts; a self fulfilling prophecy, so to speak.

  It is good that we are aware that the end is coming; it helps us prepare for those left behind. The end of anything is inevitable, just as surely as there is a beginning, there will be an ending. What is not good for us; is to be so preoccupied with the ending that we fail to enjoy the ride getting there.

  We rarely will go to a movie without asking another person; if they saw it and how it ends. The explanation will make sense; why spend money on a movie if we do not like the outcome?

  It is another reason we may ask other people about the person we are in a relationship with. What is he/she like? Has he/she ever done this or that? To a degree we should know the type of person that we are dealing with; but are we so closely eyeing the end that we are failing to enjoy the moment?

  When people die; we will say that if we only knew this was going to happen, we would have done things differently. We would have had that last loving conversation. We would have said “I love you”; so many more times. People generally do one, of two things; we will constantly eye the ending and fail to live; or we will be oblivious to the end and miss out on what matters.

  If we are constantly watching out for the ending; we can miss the valuable gems in the middle. The destination is really not as important as the paths we cross to get there. But if we are so intently seeking the ending then we will miss the flowers set out for us along the way. The end will come; of that we can be certain. A movie will end; a relationship will end; life most definitely will end. The question now should be; what did we learn or gain from the experience?

  Be aware, there is always something to gain, in all things. Even a relationship that ends will show us something. The problem with this being; we will often think that it was a waste of time and energy. However, if we look deeper into the situation; we might be able to say that we learned something from it; even if we only learned what we do not want or need. We must allow ourselves the experience of the journey, in order to ingest the lessons that were intended for us.

  Do not be so afraid of the end that we become our own executioners. Go into life situations cautiously; but I implore you to still go. Be aware that not all relationships will be the ones that great romantic novels speak about. Be aware that we may never find the romantic lines spoken on the big screen, in our lives. But also be aware that those novels and movies; were created. These moments were staged; the words were well thought out and edited. Our lives are better than that; because our lives are unique. No one else will have ever seen your life before; therefore the experience is one that has never been seen.

  Our lives are like great block buster hits; that no one can spoil the ending to.

  No one wants to be hurt. But we will all be hurt, in one way or another. Allow the hurt to tell you something; let it speak to you. Let the heart break or tears show you exactly what you were being taught all along. Often it is only in our heartbreak that we realize the exact impact that situation had on us. It is a reminder that we were touched by someone or something.

  Think about the effects the ending of a movie has on us. Often we do not feel the love or loss of whatever relationship is developed during the course of a movie; until the very end. The end will make us laugh, cry, or just give us a sense of relief. These feelings and emotions are what will tell us how beautiful the story was. The lumps in our throats, or tears in our eyes are reminding us how we were touched by the sentiment behind the movie. But usually, we don’t cry all the way through the movie; it is the ending that will wrap all of it together for us.

  Loss is hard. No matter how hard it is; there is one fact that will remain, the world will keep spinning. In our sadness and grief, the rest of the world will keep moving. While we must all grieve in our own way; we must all learn to move on in our own way too. Recall the experience, embrace the memories; these are tasks that are harder than they seem. How often does one hear, “go on with your life”; “this is not what he/she would have wanted for you”; we all must move through grief in our own way. It is a definite loss, an absence is felt. These are wounds that run deep; they take time to heal, allow your self that time.

  Whether we are grieving the loss of a relationship, or the loss of a life; the pain is very real. But in the middle of that grief; read, sing, dance, you could even write. All of these things are baby steps which will lead you down your path. Just because someone makes something look easy; does not mean that it is. Every baby step is one closer to the goals set for us; where our heart break is more bearable. Make the steps for yourself and for others…just as this is my baby step for you.

His Grace


His Grace

I don’t know what to say

When I see you down below

I know that you feel lonely

Having to let me go

I almost feel guilty

Watching you when you cry

Sad we couldn’t have one more chat

Never saying good bye

And when that faint smile

Comes across your face

Know that God sent it

From the most amazing place

I want you to understand

I had things to say too

Like how you touched my life

How much that I love you

I know it’s hard to find a reason

To start to move ahead

But don’t let guilt or grief

Hold you back instead

Know that I loved you then

As I still do to this day

Sometimes life has to change

God needed it this way

Maybe there was a bridge that you

Were afraid to cross alone

Or maybe we held on too tight

As we were always prone

But whatever cause or reason

The Lord called me here

Know that I will never leave you

My love is always near

For after every thunderstorm

Our Creator shows His love

By bending every color known

From His mansion high above

Please do not cry for your loss

For one truth will always remain

God sent you to me once

He will do it once again

So until we meet at Heavens Gate

Here’s a promise to you

I will never leave your side

No matter what you say or do

We were bonded by blood

Connected by our choice

I am loving you still

Though you cannot hear my voice

When you wake up this morning

Let the smile come across your face

Accept the will of God now

And show the world His grace

If Not For God


If Not For God

If not for God…

Where would I ever be

Like walking around blind

For God allowed us to see

If not for God…

The many blessings I have received

Would have been overlooked

For God watches over thee

If not for God…

And all His work which has been done

Could have been lost in my grief

The day I lost my dear son

If not for God…

I would have drowned in my own tears

But God kept me whole

Made my purpose crystal clear

It not for God…

My reason for living could be in vain

But He gave me peace and love

Now only that remains

For God gave me purpose

He granted me love for life

And He have me more strength

Making me my soul mates wife

Our love grows deeper

Where only angels dare to trod

Trials have been tested yet failed

Due to my loving God

If not for God…

I could sink into an abyss

But He never gave up on me

It’s why you’re reading this

So if you ever dare wonder

Why I smile when life seems so grim

It’s due to my love of God

Yes…it’s all because of Him

**This poem is dedicated to a very strong woman…whose faith was unwavering even through the loss of not only one but two children**

In The Blink Of An Eye


In The Blink Of An Eye

Life can be funny
Then one day it is not
One day graduating
The next day you were shot

A future so filled with brightness
An honor student in demand
A parent’s pride and joy
Life robbed by another’s hand

Tears come out of nowhere
Childhood friend’s hearts are breaking
Because some one didn’t think
About the life they were taking

Just kids at a party
Celebrating a future that was bright
Ended with bloodshed
On that cold Saturday night

Now instead of planning for college
As always doing his best
A mourning family musters up strength
To put this fallen angel to rest

My house is certainly solemn
My daughter needed to be held
Hard to convince our world is loving
When she’s experiencing Hell

How do we explain to our children
Why things like this occur
When the victim was a good child
Someone just like her

Why do bad things happen
I still recall her quest
He was only there 5 minutes
Always doing his best

Sadly I have no answer that
Would ease her troubled heart
Except that like right now
Ty’Quan was an angel from the start

So even though it is hard to let go
Of the ones that have come to touch our souls
Remember he now resides in Heaven
With more love than we’ll ever know

As a service I will tell you all
Treasure the children in your sight
For those moments can be stolen
At the blink of an eye.

**RIP TY’QUAN JOHNSON…you will forever be in our hearts

Best Friend


Best Friend

It’s been a while since I wrote you

Not that I don’t miss your face

But God has reminded me

Has let me borrow His grace

He has shown me your life

Touched so much more than me

So to keep you all to myself

Would be nothing less than greed

I still miss your contagious laughter

The way you wrinkled up your nose

The way your eyes sparkled

Oh, I really miss those

I miss calling you up

And you yelling for it taking so long

Yes, sometimes I still cry

When I hear your favorite song

I still wish this was a dream

That I could go to your house

Watching and enjoying you

Just watching you go about

The days sometimes go forever

The nights can be so hard

To say how much I love you

Would fill a greeting card

I get angry so often

People take for granted time

I wish they could see

This broken heart of mine

How foolish people are

Wasting words of vile intent

Oh, the regret that happens

When all your time is spent

I feel closer to God now

We talk a lot more

About His divine plan for me

The blessings He has in store

I’m sorry if I ever failed

To tell you enough

I’m proud to be your sister

I love you very much

When I mess up…we know I will

Just give me a gentle nudge

I know you will mean well

And you aren’t trying to judge

But that’s what families do

Look over each other’s hearts

That hasn’t changed even though

We’re further apart

Thank God for the time

He gave to us down here

We will always have your memory

Only your body disappeared

If there’s one thing I got

From your time with me

I hope it was your loving way

And bright energy

Cause sometimes the clouds seem to part

When I’m missing you too bad

Like God’s giving me a moment

With the best friend I ever had

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