Tag Archive: pain


Life Won’t Let Us Forget


Life Won’t Let Us Forget

Life can throw us curves; we have all experienced instances or situations that we feel we aren’t prepared for. If we re-examine our lives we can see more clearly why these things happened.

My heart was broken as a teenager, for what seemed to be no reason at all. I sought answers that would never come. We have all been through that; the tears that seem to never end…until one day, unexpectedly, they do.

I remember when my very good friend stopped being that. It was, as if my world began crumbling beneath my feet. I tried to find logic in the situation, where there was none. I was certain that I would never trust like that again…until one day I did.

I remember the first time that a child hurt my daughter’s feelings; and her tears seemed to be weighted with cement, her heartbreak became mine. I have never been so angry or sad in my life. Something happens to us when our children are targeted. In that moment of sadness for my daughter…it felt like the weight of her world crashed on top of my head, I felt helpless.

I recall the very first time I was hit by someone that said they cared about me. I had never been struck by another individual, it felt unreal…yet too real. This was my first bout with physical abuse and I felt completely vulnerable. It seemed to be a long road for me; it took many weeks and maybe months before I could sleep without a light on. The nightmares can still wake me up; although now I wake knowing that he can’t hurt me any longer.

I remember the first time I was told that I would forever live, with this disease called Lupus. I had heard of Lupus, but wasn’t really sure how it would affect me. What I learned is that Lupus affects everyone differently; I had good and not-so-good- days. I could go into a “flare” and stay there for extended periods of time. It was like having a severe case of flu…that just never seemed to stop.

These are all lessons that we aren’t permitted to forget.

I learned that not everyone would love me as I loved them, but that was okay. We are all individuals and how we express and we exhibit love will be as unique as we are. We may feel that a breakup is the end of happiness as we know it; and quite possibly that is true. But it is only true because that was just first level happiness; there will always be bigger and better things ahead for us. Remember to forgive that first love that broke your heart…later in life, you will grow to understand that it was only supposed to be temporary. Looking at the life I have now, I am thankful for every broken heart I endured…because it led me to this wonderful place in my life.

Maybe all of our very best girlfriends won’t betray our trust; but life does have a way of re-aligning us with our Source. We may not see the logic or reasoning, behind why we are feeling the pain; but when it is time…it will be made clear.

Children are a sore spot for anyone that loves them. There are so many things that we go through as adults; that we would never in a million years wish on our children. When our children are hurt or in any kind of pain, be it physical, spiritual or emotional, it is difficult to watch. But we should try to understand that our children also have a path and that pain may be part of their growth, as well.

Domestic violence is a burden that far too many people have to bear; a cross carried by men, women and children alike. The scars that it causes are far reaching, even past the initial success of getting out of the situation. Always have a plan, do not allow yourself to become anyone’s sacrificial lamb…more importantly do not take the anger and fury that your experience created in you…to poison the life of another. Look for the signs of someone who may grow to be abusive. Listen for the emotional sands of the hour glass to spill out. Does he/she raise a hand…even in jest? Does he/she make demeaning and humiliating jokes about you? This is something that we cannot afford to be blindsided about. If you are in trouble, tell someone…tell everyone.

Lupus is a vile disease. It destroys your immune system. It can take your life far too soon. I have had many medical issues, due to this silent enemy. Learn all that you can about it, because even if you do not have this illness…chances are you know someone who does.

Life does not allow us to forget these lessons, we shouldn’t want to forget them. There are something’s that you may only experience one time in your life…what did you learn from it? What knowledge did you carry away with you? If any of these experience or life lessons caused you to become bitter…look at them more closely.

There are other life lessons that we are also gifted; to take away one would mean that you are also defaulting on the great ones too.

The first time you hear a newborn baby cry. The first time you lost a tooth. The first time that he/she said “I love you”; and you can’t wait until it is said again. The first flower blooming in the spring. The leaves changing colors in the fall. The first time you smelled pumpkin pie. The time you heard a baby laugh…from deep within their soul and you have to laugh too. The day you were told…you are in remission. A walk at night when you are just gazing at the stars.

Nothing that you experience is a waste of time. You cannot turn off the bad without also turning off the good. Embrace all that life has to offer you; it’s an abundant supply of LOVE.

Remember that there are also life lessons…you wouldn’t ever want to forget!!

Advertisements

Spoon Talk


Spoon Talk

What is this spoon talk

Amongst Lupus heroes

They symbolize our energy

How fast it can go

You need one to get up

But don’t be too fast

For one spoon opens your eyes

That’s how long a spoon lasts

Throughout the day you have

Limited spoons to use

By mid day you are

Running on a short  fuse

Who would have thought

A conversation would take

So much energy…a spoon

Concessions we must make

Oh and the smiles

They are deceptive too

But she doesn’t want

This to be a burden to you

So she smiles and laughs

While spoons are being spent

Until she realizes that

Her energy…it went

I guess if fatigue was

The extent of this disease

It would be a cake walk

Like a soft blowing breeze

But there is the pain and swelling

There are the organs shutting down

There are the tears she sheds

When no one else is around

There is the knowledge that

Lupus tends to create

Pain, bruising, swelling

The rashes, fatigue…the aches

Its amazing exactly how much

One shining smile can hide

Fear of the unknown

Lupus is a frightening ride

She gives a spoon for this

And a spoon for that

It may get you going

But how do you get back

Every idea you have

Every motion you make

Every attempt at normalcy

Is ALL lupus takes

So I am sharing with you

On this unspecific day

Be aware that this disease

Wants to kill all in its way

So my prayers are lifted up

And my heart it breaks

I know your struggles

How your strength breaks

Lupus and spoons

One day will be done

Keep hope in your hearts

This war will be won

I am sending you a smile

Healing energy and joy

For those days when

Your life feels a void

From my heart to yours

Til we fear the spoon no more

I wish you love and joy

Make memories galore

I Have Lupus


I Have Lupus

I live with an illness

Other people cannot see

I live in pain and fatigue

Often immobility

I live with an illness

Some people cannot understand

Because it cannot be detected

By the casual glance

I live with swollen joints

Bruising but first

I live with knowledge that

It can get much worse

My hair has fallen out

My eyes swollen shut

But I live with a disease

That doesn’t understand…enough

I am not alone in this fight

There are warriors like me

Who understand what it’s like

To have physical agony

I am a fighter now

I am a warrior because

If I stopped fighting

Gave it a pause

This disease would win

My valiance for naught

I am in this war

I never forgot

I was created from greatness

And greatness is in me

I will struggle with this thing

NO matter what shall be

For the winner of this battle

Gets no trophy or attention

For I fight it inside myself

With the greatest intention

Take no moment for granted

For in a moment of dissention

It could be all stripped away

Without even a mention

Of the facial rashes

Medication and grief

The lack of support

The need for sleep

And while it is hard to understand

What my life would be like for you

I will tell all now that I wouldn’t

Want you to suffer too

Help raise awareness

Look for the Light

God said he would never leave

I know He is right

Join the movement

Raise mental elevation

Link hands with others

Focus your attention

I have a silent disease

That you cannot see

BUT I have LUPUS

It doesn’t have me

**I had posted this last year at my other Blog but somethings bear repeating…

 


My True Relief

I have known pain

I have known tears

I have known abuse

That causes REAL fear

I have known frustration

I have known isolation

I have known illness

I have known degradation

I have known loneliness

I have known hate

I have known racism

And other ills we create

I have known insincerity

I have known lies

I have known hurt so deep

Words cannot define

But when I let go of these

Reasons for being apart

When I looked with my soul

And opened up my heart

I realized that these things

Made me a woman who is strong

And what felt like years and years

Didn’t really last that long

For I am fueled by a source

Who says I am LIGHT

It fills my being

And clears my obstructed sight

I have known those things…yes

But let me tell you what

I have known much more

Than what I have not

I have known joy

I have known love

I have known peace

Given from above

So while I may have known disaster

And devastating illness and grief

I have also known HIM

My Father…my TRUE relief

My New Years Resolution


My New Year Resolution

As I sit back in wonder

Of the year as it passed

The tragedies we endured

Love created which will last

For every single heartbreak

For all those lifted up

For those moments we shouted

Enough is enough

For those loved ones we embraced

If even only in our hearts

Those fences we mended

Our brand new start

I remember the laughter

The smiles we handed out

The moments we whispered

This is what life is about

When we came together in sadness

When we rose against a foe

When we chose to say I am here

And not…I told you so

When we raised another’s spirits

When we placed no sort of blame

When we were given the gift

To rise once again

NO matter what the past year was

No matter how hard it may have been

Give thanks for all the support

Of family and new found friends

Raise a glass in celebration

For the paths we did cross

We were part of a divine plan

Give thanks to what you lost

I know it’s a rare occasion

When we talk about losing

But it is the perception

What we hold on to is our choosing

Let go of the anguish

Let go of the pain

Make room for tomorrow

So we may choose love again

Release bitter moments

We are learning every day

How we can increase another’s life

With a simple smile along the way

So this New Year I do not

Make a single resolution

But soberly step toward

My spiritual evolution

I will love you with full force

I will remind you forever

To embrace a Creator

Who brought us together

I wish you laughter always

And a child’s sweet hug

Kindness…joy…peace

And above all…love

And for those who say

My dreams are in vain

I hold you in prayers

So you may learn love again

I love you all dearly

You made my past year great

I look forward to the promise

Love tends to create

While we all may have problems

Which seem to have no solution

I wish you all love and peace

As my New Year Resolution

Some One You Love


Some One You Love

I won’t insult you I promise

By saying I know your pain

It may look similar

But I know it isn’t the same

I have felt the tears of loss

My heart has been torn in two

I understand feeling isolated

Not sure of what next to do

I have felt my Creators love

I never doubt it at all

But at times even I have felt

When all our hopes fall

It doesn’t mean I have loved less

In fact may be felt too much

My heart broken into pieces

Isolated from a loved ones touch

But like every dark moment

Comes in an unexpected time

The sun will also rise

And…oh…how His light does shine

Belittle you…I would never

Make less of your agonizing hurt

But I promise the dawn is so near

Even if it only comes in spurts

Cry all day if you need to

This too I can agree

Is about life’s disappointments

As it has also happened to me

Not disappointed with the experience

That only true blessings can bring

But thoughts of loneliness…heartache

And other mysterious things

Like your soul being uprooted

Being set on foreign soil

Being pushed away from a love

Like mixing water with oil

I understand the type of hurt

Loss can bring forth in you

NO, I don’t know YOUR pain

But I have been hurting too

Maybe all my tears and pain

Were only leading me up to this

So I could tell you about this love

The one I will always miss

About how their eyes sparkled

How their laughter cured a pain

And if you let me tomorrow

I will tell you about it again

I don’t know your personal trek

I don’t claim to be that vain

But I promise you are not alone

A Truth which will remain

For in a single tear drop

We can find an angel’s voice

Repairing your heart slowly

Helping your soul rejoice

Your loss will always be different

But allow me to mourn with you

So you may reach out to another

Whose heart is breaking too

Wipe a tear…give a hug

Or just a friendly “I know”

Will start the healing process

Watch love as it grows

I didn’t want to feel better

Guilt made me feel so sad

Claiming it shouldn’t have been

I just felt so bad

But a personal angel of mine

Reminded me of a thought

I was blessed with an existence

That others never got

I was blessed with a blessing

It was a gift even though brief

And their life wasn’t stolen

By a criminal or thief

They got a free ride home

Their work had long been done

They fought life’s valiant fight

At last they had won

My tears dried on my pillow

I washed my tear stained face

Giving praises to the Highest

For showing me such Grace

One day I promise you will

Think of this day and sigh

When your love went home

To live with our Most High

And when an unexpected smile

Shows up on your precious face

Know that some one you love

Sent it from a great place

Daddy Don’t Go


Daddy Don’t Go

Daddy don’t go

The girl softly cried

I’m coming back

Just another lie

I wonder if he knew

The choices he did make

Would damage a life

A heart he did break

If he had only looked back

Seen that last tear fall

He could have righted a wrong

In no time at all

Maybe if he had been there

She wouldn’t have needed

The attention negative or not

Which abandonment breeded

Her mom was there yes, but

Who can really say

What would have happened

Had he not left that day

Our daughters are precious

We must try and understand

Their fathers help create

Their future’s floor plan

For Daddy when you leave

Someone else will step in

And since you weren’t there

No telling how it will end

Are you responsible for others…no

But from the very start

You were supposed to be there for her

And that fragile little heart

When you stepped out on mom

You walked away from this sweet girl

Who loved you every single day

You were her entire world

So when she now makes choices

As we sometimes tend to do

Remember her greatest teacher

Was supposed to be you

Don’t make this love story

End before it starts

Cause saying “Daddy don’t go”

Even breaks a woman’s heart

The Gift


  Have you ever received a present and tried to return it? It wasn’t exactly what you wanted or even asked for. It wasn’t the right color or size; it wasn’t anything that you would have selected for yourself. Of course, we will smile and let the person who gave it to us know that we appreciated the thought. Have you ever tried to return that present? You have to give a viable reason as to why you don’t want the gift…and please don’t go without a receipt. Why is this task so difficult and often time consuming? I believe it is because there is a larger picture that we are being shown.

  The best gift I have ever received was when God sent me the true loves of my life. And even though it wasn’t what I thought I wanted or needed…in time I would come to realize that there was a higher power at work. I tried to return this gift many times…I was certain that there was some mistake. I appreciated the fact that I was given this blessing…but I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it. It would take time…but as soon as I stopped fighting against the blessing, once I just sat back and enjoyed the blessing I realized that it was exactly what I needed.

  There are those of us that have loved and lost…or at least it felt like we had lost. We may have felt like we had lost time or effort. Our hearts literally felt broken…and the pain ran deep within us. Once it happened we may have said something like…never again…next time I will know better; something to that effect. We will guard our hearts with the security of a military installation…careful to not allow our hearts to be infiltrated. Of course, the shame in this is that by avoiding the hearts of others…we cause our own hearts to grow cold. When we do this we lose the lesson that God was trying to teach us. We will miss an opportunity to live and learn…we miss the chance to increase our life span.

  Broken hearts can cause us to feel weak and fragile thing…like fine crystal; beautiful to look at with the light catching its every movement…yet can shatter so quickly. Have you ever had to try and repair broken glass or crystal?  One has to weigh their options…is attempting to repair what seems impossible…worth the risk of cutting ourselves? So like that broken crystal…we often just count our losses and attempted to move on. But what are we moving on to? Is there some destination that we are heading toward where we won’t need our hearts? Can we really get the most out of our existence here on earth by not allowing ourselves or others to be touched?

  What is our purpose? If God loves us so much why would he permit us to have such a painful experience? If God created us from love…why is my heart so broken? These are logical questions, and they deserve to be answered. My response is what I have always known…sometimes what we think that we need…we actually don’t. We are of the illusion that we know what it is that we need in our lives. True, after we have experienced other things we may be able to deduce what we don’t need. But that is just part of the equation.

  We do not have control and we are not aware of what our paths will become…only our Creator knows that. His will is the only constant that we can ever be sure of…and the will of God…will always be done. As long as we always keep our eyes on HIM…we will never again be lost. We are supposed to submit to the will of God…and anything we go through…will be the path that was chosen by HIM…for us.

  When we close down our hearts…we can not be doing what God expects of us. We all know people or have heard stories of people who have gone through horrific experiences.  But the love of our Creator will always carry us through. So to show us how much HE loves us…he will send us love.

  Occasionally, the love that we were sent does not look like anything that we had in mind for ourselves. But we must keep in mind that we do not know where our path will take us…only God does.

  Try to remember that our hearts are no more or less fragile than anyone else’s. And just as God is sending them to our hearts…HE is also sending us to theirs. These beautiful souls have also had their hearts broken…and we are being entrusted with them, as well.

  If we do not appreciate the gift of love…we may never complete our path. I can imagine nothing worse than living a life in vain. I do not know what God’s plan is for me…but I never question or dispute it. If I can not trust the Creator of all things great and small…then whom can I trust? If I can trust that the sun will also rise…as surely as it sets everyday…how can I doubt anything else?

  No one wants to hurt; I am no different than anyone else on that stance. But perhaps the pain that we feel is what is needed to move us to our true path. Who knows…perhaps this is what you to read this.

  If we all loved one another in the spirit in which God had selected for us…our lives would probably have much less drama and stress. Love replenished our souls. We grow the entire time we are doing it. I am going to love you, even if you think that you don’t need it. I am going to be here for you…as long as God wishes for it to be so.

  You are the gift from my Creator. I will never reject, deny, or decline it for any reason. If you only grace my life for a moment…it is in that moment that God needed you to be there. Value all life…love freely, in the way that God loves you. We must stand firm in the knowledge that with love…all things are possible.

 

~~ From my heart to yours

%d bloggers like this: