Tag Archive: sadness


Some Days


Some days are harder than others
Some days the guilt of my existence
Is just overwhelming
Some days I think of her and smile
I imagine those blue eyes
Laughing when people have warred against me
Sometimes I can still see that blonde hair
Making me envious…lol
Sometimes I still smell her perfume
Some days I can still hear her words ringing in my ears
“I’m not strong enough to live without you…so God will have to take me first ”
Sometimes…I get so angry
At her self prophetic demise
She only had one fear
“I’m afraid one day I will fall asleep and never wake up ”
And one day…
She didn’t
And now all I can do
Is hope when she looks down on me
She is proud…
Of the woman I have become
Of the choices I have made
But I swear…
Missing her…
Is more painful
Than Lupus or Cancer
Bc I have survived those
But everyday
I get up
And I thank her
By living
By trying
By loving…all people
Bc sometimes…
Everyone needs that
I know I do

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I Remember


I Remember

I remember when
She first held my hand
When I was afraid of the dark
More fear than I could stand
I remember when
She held me close through it all
With weathering a heartache
Or some gymnastic fall
I remember when
She said you can do it…with a smile
When she said come here…
Lets just sit a while
I remember when
I heard her softly sigh
Learning true pain
When my beautiful mom cried
I remember when
She said it’s okay…it will get better
There are rainbows beyond the clouds
We will find them together
I remember when
She sang and warmed my heart
In fact she’s always done that
From the very start
I remember her eyes
So filled with love and joy
Making now…hard
When sometimes I see a void
Mom…I remember
How you love me so deep
Even if these memories from you
Are starting to creep
While I still have a breath
While my heart…it still beats
I will remind you of these days
And the love…what it means
I love you mom
No matter what…FOREVER
So while you are unable
…I will remember

***For a very close friend of my family…We Love you!!***

Some One You Love


Some One You Love

I won’t insult you I promise

By saying I know your pain

It may look similar

But I know it isn’t the same

I have felt the tears of loss

My heart has been torn in two

I understand feeling isolated

Not sure of what next to do

I have felt my Creators love

I never doubt it at all

But at times even I have felt

When all our hopes fall

It doesn’t mean I have loved less

In fact may be felt too much

My heart broken into pieces

Isolated from a loved ones touch

But like every dark moment

Comes in an unexpected time

The sun will also rise

And…oh…how His light does shine

Belittle you…I would never

Make less of your agonizing hurt

But I promise the dawn is so near

Even if it only comes in spurts

Cry all day if you need to

This too I can agree

Is about life’s disappointments

As it has also happened to me

Not disappointed with the experience

That only true blessings can bring

But thoughts of loneliness…heartache

And other mysterious things

Like your soul being uprooted

Being set on foreign soil

Being pushed away from a love

Like mixing water with oil

I understand the type of hurt

Loss can bring forth in you

NO, I don’t know YOUR pain

But I have been hurting too

Maybe all my tears and pain

Were only leading me up to this

So I could tell you about this love

The one I will always miss

About how their eyes sparkled

How their laughter cured a pain

And if you let me tomorrow

I will tell you about it again

I don’t know your personal trek

I don’t claim to be that vain

But I promise you are not alone

A Truth which will remain

For in a single tear drop

We can find an angel’s voice

Repairing your heart slowly

Helping your soul rejoice

Your loss will always be different

But allow me to mourn with you

So you may reach out to another

Whose heart is breaking too

Wipe a tear…give a hug

Or just a friendly “I know”

Will start the healing process

Watch love as it grows

I didn’t want to feel better

Guilt made me feel so sad

Claiming it shouldn’t have been

I just felt so bad

But a personal angel of mine

Reminded me of a thought

I was blessed with an existence

That others never got

I was blessed with a blessing

It was a gift even though brief

And their life wasn’t stolen

By a criminal or thief

They got a free ride home

Their work had long been done

They fought life’s valiant fight

At last they had won

My tears dried on my pillow

I washed my tear stained face

Giving praises to the Highest

For showing me such Grace

One day I promise you will

Think of this day and sigh

When your love went home

To live with our Most High

And when an unexpected smile

Shows up on your precious face

Know that some one you love

Sent it from a great place

Move On


Move On

Appreciate every single day

These moments are so rare

We have such a small window

To show how much we care

Appreciate every hug you get

Every ray of God’s light

Appreciate waking up every morning

And experiencing every night

Tell those you love that you do

Remind them with every breath

From you most recent encounter

Starting the day you met

Smile…even in conversation

Appreciate laughter when you may

Life is a true blessing and

We don’t know how long we’ll stay

Grieve not the regrets we have

For we can not fix the past

But hold steady onto the love

The only thing meant to last

Even as a tear falls from

Your beautiful misty eyes

You are loved beyond the grave

By a Source most wise

Appreciate the moments

They never come again

Share the love with family

And as you gather with friends

Look straight ahead now

For if you let this slip away

You will again feel regret

For lost moments from today

Let your heart feel its sorrow

It must cry a little too

But do not let grief own

The beauty which is you

It’s hard to say goodbye

To those we love and trust

But only the flesh is gone

They still love you just as much

They didn’t leave you at all

Although I know your hearts pain

For I, too, know about loss

When only you remain

I have felt your heart break

My heart too, has been shattered

When my love was sent home

Felt like I didn’t matter

Love not waste not

Your memories will prevail

You will love again

It will happen without fail

Then one day you will wake

And before you know its true

Your sadness with give way

To what you were meant to do

So before you are stuck in gloom

Appreciate the dawn

Time…it waits for no one

And it always does move on

Baby Steps


Baby Steps

 

  Often we will walk about life; insistent that we are living it to the fullest. Yet our minds are full of suspicions. When will this person or the next do what will, most certainly, disappoint us; unfortunately, the chaos that we are waiting for; can actually be brought forth by our own negative thoughts; a self fulfilling prophecy, so to speak.

  It is good that we are aware that the end is coming; it helps us prepare for those left behind. The end of anything is inevitable, just as surely as there is a beginning, there will be an ending. What is not good for us; is to be so preoccupied with the ending that we fail to enjoy the ride getting there.

  We rarely will go to a movie without asking another person; if they saw it and how it ends. The explanation will make sense; why spend money on a movie if we do not like the outcome?

  It is another reason we may ask other people about the person we are in a relationship with. What is he/she like? Has he/she ever done this or that? To a degree we should know the type of person that we are dealing with; but are we so closely eyeing the end that we are failing to enjoy the moment?

  When people die; we will say that if we only knew this was going to happen, we would have done things differently. We would have had that last loving conversation. We would have said “I love you”; so many more times. People generally do one, of two things; we will constantly eye the ending and fail to live; or we will be oblivious to the end and miss out on what matters.

  If we are constantly watching out for the ending; we can miss the valuable gems in the middle. The destination is really not as important as the paths we cross to get there. But if we are so intently seeking the ending then we will miss the flowers set out for us along the way. The end will come; of that we can be certain. A movie will end; a relationship will end; life most definitely will end. The question now should be; what did we learn or gain from the experience?

  Be aware, there is always something to gain, in all things. Even a relationship that ends will show us something. The problem with this being; we will often think that it was a waste of time and energy. However, if we look deeper into the situation; we might be able to say that we learned something from it; even if we only learned what we do not want or need. We must allow ourselves the experience of the journey, in order to ingest the lessons that were intended for us.

  Do not be so afraid of the end that we become our own executioners. Go into life situations cautiously; but I implore you to still go. Be aware that not all relationships will be the ones that great romantic novels speak about. Be aware that we may never find the romantic lines spoken on the big screen, in our lives. But also be aware that those novels and movies; were created. These moments were staged; the words were well thought out and edited. Our lives are better than that; because our lives are unique. No one else will have ever seen your life before; therefore the experience is one that has never been seen.

  Our lives are like great block buster hits; that no one can spoil the ending to.

  No one wants to be hurt. But we will all be hurt, in one way or another. Allow the hurt to tell you something; let it speak to you. Let the heart break or tears show you exactly what you were being taught all along. Often it is only in our heartbreak that we realize the exact impact that situation had on us. It is a reminder that we were touched by someone or something.

  Think about the effects the ending of a movie has on us. Often we do not feel the love or loss of whatever relationship is developed during the course of a movie; until the very end. The end will make us laugh, cry, or just give us a sense of relief. These feelings and emotions are what will tell us how beautiful the story was. The lumps in our throats, or tears in our eyes are reminding us how we were touched by the sentiment behind the movie. But usually, we don’t cry all the way through the movie; it is the ending that will wrap all of it together for us.

  Loss is hard. No matter how hard it is; there is one fact that will remain, the world will keep spinning. In our sadness and grief, the rest of the world will keep moving. While we must all grieve in our own way; we must all learn to move on in our own way too. Recall the experience, embrace the memories; these are tasks that are harder than they seem. How often does one hear, “go on with your life”; “this is not what he/she would have wanted for you”; we all must move through grief in our own way. It is a definite loss, an absence is felt. These are wounds that run deep; they take time to heal, allow your self that time.

  Whether we are grieving the loss of a relationship, or the loss of a life; the pain is very real. But in the middle of that grief; read, sing, dance, you could even write. All of these things are baby steps which will lead you down your path. Just because someone makes something look easy; does not mean that it is. Every baby step is one closer to the goals set for us; where our heart break is more bearable. Make the steps for yourself and for others…just as this is my baby step for you.

In The Blink Of An Eye


In The Blink Of An Eye

Life can be funny
Then one day it is not
One day graduating
The next day you were shot

A future so filled with brightness
An honor student in demand
A parent’s pride and joy
Life robbed by another’s hand

Tears come out of nowhere
Childhood friend’s hearts are breaking
Because some one didn’t think
About the life they were taking

Just kids at a party
Celebrating a future that was bright
Ended with bloodshed
On that cold Saturday night

Now instead of planning for college
As always doing his best
A mourning family musters up strength
To put this fallen angel to rest

My house is certainly solemn
My daughter needed to be held
Hard to convince our world is loving
When she’s experiencing Hell

How do we explain to our children
Why things like this occur
When the victim was a good child
Someone just like her

Why do bad things happen
I still recall her quest
He was only there 5 minutes
Always doing his best

Sadly I have no answer that
Would ease her troubled heart
Except that like right now
Ty’Quan was an angel from the start

So even though it is hard to let go
Of the ones that have come to touch our souls
Remember he now resides in Heaven
With more love than we’ll ever know

As a service I will tell you all
Treasure the children in your sight
For those moments can be stolen
At the blink of an eye.

**RIP TY’QUAN JOHNSON…you will forever be in our hearts

The Stranger


The Stranger

The man stared at me

Right into my eyes

Saying…you are smiling

I wanna know why

I look shocked and amazed

Did something happen today

He said, no, but why

Must you smile in this way

Why is your glass half full

Your cup running over its rim

Claiming life is so bright

When we both know it is grim

He was obviously angry

His jaw clinched tight

I offered him some water

Sir, are you alright?

Yes, I’m fine he stated

I’m just sick of this chatter

About love and peace

None of that even matters

I looked into his angry face

His eyes seemed so sad

His journey seemed so long

A hard life he had

I gently touched his hand

Squeezing ever so slight

I don’t know what happened sir

But everything will be alright

He looked at me half witted

You know nothing about me

No, but I can feel your pain

It’s easy to see

Anytime we hold on to anger

With such force

It’s due to great pain

I don’t know you of course

But I have a grandfather

And I would pray every day

That if someone saw him

In pain this way

They would softly remind him

How blessed the world has been

To have the benefit of his life

Which makes us all win

The mans eyes grew teary

Saying his load had grown tiring

I smiled and said yes, I know

All the while love was transpiring

I reminded him that even I

Was touched by his being

It wasn’t about my smile

Or the song I was singing

God sent me to you sir

For I know on this day

You needed an angel

Saying everything is okay

He squeezed my hand back

A weight lifted off of him

The sadness disappeared

He started to grin

I never knew what happened

To cause his sadness and tears

But I became filled with divine love

As I watched it disappear

This day I was reminded of what

I was selected to do

To constantly show strangers

God loves them too

Best Friend


Best Friend

It’s been a while since I wrote you

Not that I don’t miss your face

But God has reminded me

Has let me borrow His grace

He has shown me your life

Touched so much more than me

So to keep you all to myself

Would be nothing less than greed

I still miss your contagious laughter

The way you wrinkled up your nose

The way your eyes sparkled

Oh, I really miss those

I miss calling you up

And you yelling for it taking so long

Yes, sometimes I still cry

When I hear your favorite song

I still wish this was a dream

That I could go to your house

Watching and enjoying you

Just watching you go about

The days sometimes go forever

The nights can be so hard

To say how much I love you

Would fill a greeting card

I get angry so often

People take for granted time

I wish they could see

This broken heart of mine

How foolish people are

Wasting words of vile intent

Oh, the regret that happens

When all your time is spent

I feel closer to God now

We talk a lot more

About His divine plan for me

The blessings He has in store

I’m sorry if I ever failed

To tell you enough

I’m proud to be your sister

I love you very much

When I mess up…we know I will

Just give me a gentle nudge

I know you will mean well

And you aren’t trying to judge

But that’s what families do

Look over each other’s hearts

That hasn’t changed even though

We’re further apart

Thank God for the time

He gave to us down here

We will always have your memory

Only your body disappeared

If there’s one thing I got

From your time with me

I hope it was your loving way

And bright energy

Cause sometimes the clouds seem to part

When I’m missing you too bad

Like God’s giving me a moment

With the best friend I ever had

The Doctor’s Visit


The Doctors Office

One day while I was waiting

To see the doctor around noon

I noticed an elderly man

As he slowly walked across the room

He seemed in a hurry not in movement

But his words…although kind

Simply asked if he could see the doctor next

If the nurse would not mind

She offered the man no hope

“The Doctor is busy today”

So he said thank you

And sat down in dismay

“Are you late for another appointment?”

I asked, “Are you ill?”

He smiled kindly…”No…”

But I have an important date…still”

He went on to say…”everyday at the same time”

“I meet my wife for lunch”

“She was never much for breakfast”

“And doesn’t care for brunch”

“Well…surely she will understand” I added

With a smile

He began, “no, not likely she hasn’t”

“Been herself in awhile”

He patted my young hand

And says, “For 50 years”

“She has been my lunch date”

“And I can’t stop here”

But its only one day, I exclaimed

As he patiently sat in wait

“Yes, but the last 15 have been a

Nursing home date”

“She is very ill…Alzheimer’s they say”

“She doesn’t even know my name”

“I doubt she would even miss me”

And I cried…”isn’t that a shame”

Then I added without thought

“If she doesn’t even know who you may be

Why go everyday and sit

And he smiled and said…”you see”

“Even if she doesn’t know me”

“I know who she is in my life”

“She’s been the answer to my prayers”

“My friend…my love…my wife”

“So if I must spend everyday”

“That God has given me left”

“To remind her how I love her”

“And how my life has been so blessed”

“I would give up all my possessions”

“I would lay down my last breath”

“I would follow her to the ends of the earth”

“I would follow her into death”

“It is my job to remind her that”

“She is my one and only queen”

And as a tear rolled down my cheek, I said

…”Nurse…this man needs to be seen”

For never in my years had I felt

A love that was so tender…so deep

As the day in the doctors office

When my heart rolled down my cheek

The Rest of My Days


The Rest of My Days

 

 

 

Another month passes

All of a sudden it’s been a year

And the pain is still present

Because you are not here

 

So much has happened

Which you already know

And even though I miss you

My love still grows

 

I find your laughter

Everywhere the sun shines

Don’t worry…the sadness

That is all mine

 

You didn’t cause my tears

You didn’t cause the blues

You only brought smiles

Even if you didn’t intend to

 

I can imagine your home

Is one fit for a king

This is appropriate

Since you are a queen

 

You are my sister always

My very best friend

Things you always were

Up till the very end

 

So today I send love

Up to the stars

Knowing it will find you

Wherever you are

 

Know that even though at times

My heart feels heavy

I know when God took you

You were ready

 

Even now as I try to blink

Past the tears of my pain

I am thankful for your presence

My life will never be the same

 

And if I could touch another

Whose heart is breaking too

I would remind them of the blessing

Of knowing someone like you

 

I would tell them this is the sign

That love is our only task

And the rewards are all ours

We only need to ask

 

God will send us angels

Very similar to you

To remind us of our purpose

And the thing we should do

 

Give forgiveness often

And love with your entire soul

Lift up our neighbors

And watch our blessings begin to grow

 

So even though I know

I miss with each passing day

Your love was a blessing

God gave me everyday

 

So to you and to HIM

I give thanks and praise

For granting me enough love

To fill the rest of my days

 

 

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